are you out of practice?

Do you even know how? It's a tiny two-letter word. When was the last time you said no and meant it? It was probably the first word you used - and used often - after you learned ma-ma and da-da. Do you know any two-year-olds? Having observed many, I have no doubt that "NO" is their favorite word. Why do some of us have such a hard time saying it now? Two-year-olds make it clear as day what they want and what they don't want by using their new found word, "NO". I'm thinking it's because they haven't been introduced to the word "SHOULD" yet - a word that gets some of us in trouble, hmm?

I had my first cognizant lesson with the word "No" when I was in college. I won't go into details to protect the "innocent" but someone I loved said, "No" to a simple request I had made of them. A huge fight ensued (in retrospect the biggest spectacle, I mean fight of my life, and yet it was over something seemingly ridiculously simple). Let's just say I was not at my "prettiest" that evening. Oh my! It ended up being a pivotal moment in my life's learning because the next day I visited our women's counseling center on campus and spoke with one of my mentors. I recounted the tale of the previous night's events. She asked me this question, "What did that NO say to you?" My answer was a bit slow in coming but very profound, "It meant he didn't love me." She put it in crystal clear perspective for me. The simple no to my simple request = I was not loved. Wow. That was so NOT true but that's what I had internalized somewhere along the way (I know where). When someone said NO to me, it meant that they didn't love me. If you ask me today, that's a bit messed up.

Yes and No help us set our boundaries. They help define what is and what is not me. Yes and No help us let others know what we want and need. They have the power to protect us. They aid us in keeping the good in and the bad out. That is if we know how to use them and we are not in the presence of boundary violators. (I will address boundary violators at a later date).

Some of us were gifted with parents and teachers along the way that set and modeled healthy boundaries for us. Some of us weren't so lucky. Some of us learned well, others didn't - due to our unique environments and circumstances. I'm writing today - not to pass out judgment or to say I've become the expert - I am not. I'm on my life-long journey of learning the power of personal boundaries. What I have learned is that boundaries are so important that I wish each of us were required to take a course on healthy boundaries in high school. Boundaries, healthy or not, really are a part of the fabric of our society. I believe strongly that emotions and boundaries are gifts given to us by our Creator to help us navigate life, an internal radar system of sorts. I whole-heartedly have a passion to help women, who want and need the help, learn to say NO to the unwanted and the unneeded in their lives (the not so best stuff) and say YES to the best (what is vitally important to our values, desires and needs).

Before diving any further into the content of this contemplation, I must write this disclaimer first. I've done some research, personally learned the hard way, and presented a number of workshops on the subject of healthy boundaries. I wanted to read through my files first, but decided it was best to write from the heart today. Emotional boundaries deal with stuff that is unseen. It's not easy to write about healthy boundaries without wanting to write another hundred different caveats to each interaction. Please be patient with the process of reading this. Please be wise. Boundaries are not black and white. Healthy boundaries look different for each and every one of us and we have different healthy boundaries for each person we know. Suffice it to say, it's a "sticky" subject. It's a subject that goes to the depths of our core and, for a few of us reading this, it might bring up some uncomfortable (if not unsafe) places within us. If this is the case for you, please call or email me and I will confidentially help you find the resources and referrals you need. My hope today is to touch the surface and provide some clarity to the question of Yes and No.

I'm going to say something really important right now. It's the gem within this contemplation. Please pay attention. "Yes and No are neither 'good or bad' words." Did you take that in? Sit with that. Take time to ponder it. They are definitive words. They are oh so helpful in letting us communicate with others what are real needs and wants are. If we misuse these words, we send out mixed messages.

Have you ever said yes to something you really didn't want to do or didn't have the energy to do? The message you sent was "I'd love to do that for you. I'm ready to do that. I have the time, resources, and energy to do that." Yet, when we say yes to something we have no real business saying yes to - I'm guessing we don't show up with our yes face on (unless we've become skilled at hiding our true feelings). We show up with our NO posture or persona and make others feel a bit confused. It's not really fair, is it? I bet you've been on the receiving side of a yes that was really a no - it's no fun. Sometimes it's actually worse than if they had "JUST SAID NO." I've got bunches o' stories about healthy boundaries and the lack there of - but I'll stop here and get to some action because what's important is to hold up the mirror and look at our own examples - I know you have stories to tell.

So, how do we become skilled at knowing when it's BEST to say Yes and when it's BEST to say No. I have some simple tips that have helped me along the way.

1) Before you say Yes to anything - I mean ANYTHING, say "Let me think about it and get back to you." Give the person who made the request the time and date you will get back to them with an answer. I know this might seem a little overboard, but I'm telling you it works. We run into problems when we say Yes to every good thing that is requested of us. Contrary to our gender bias, we can't be wonder woman to everyone. If the person making the request says they need your answer now, say I can't give you a Yes right now. I'll back you up on this. If they persist (because some will), say "No" and call a trusted friend that can help you process through that kind of "bullying". I know I'm using strong words here, but as we learn to take good care of ourselves, we must employ some mama bear tactics.

2) Once you've said I'll get back to you...these are the questions (3-9) you can ask yourself when you have some quiet "me" time (while driving, while in the shower, before you get out of bed in the morning, over a "me" coffee break or by taking a 10 minute walk - a "taking care of me walk" for when the requests pile up).

3) What have I already committed to (Where have I already said Yes)?
4) Do I honestly have the emotional energy, resources and time to say Yes?
5) What will I have to say No to, if I say Yes to this?
6) Does saying Yes or No align with my values, my heart, what's important to me, what I want and/or what I need?
7) Does saying Yes or No move me forward toward my goals?
8) What will be the implications/ramifications of saying Yes or No?
9) What's best for my big picture - saying Yes or saying No?
10) After contemplating these questions and knowing what's best for you - go back to the person who made the request and give them your heart-felt Yes or No.

What to do when saying No is hard?
1) Call a trusted friend and ask them to hold you accountable to your answer.
2) Practice saying No with a coach or trusted friend first.
3) Practice saying No in the mirror (let your true feelings come to the surface - What are you feeling? What do you need to heed? What do you need to let go of?
4) Remember you've already gone through the steps and discovered what's best for you and for the person that made the request of you.
5) If saying No is too hard and you can't do it on your own - please don't beat yourself up over it - please email me or call me and we can discuss it.

Do you want what's best? Which of these steps will be helpful to you? Let's take our cues from the two-year-olds and season it with the maturity of knowing what's really best for us.

Thank you for going here with me today. It's not always easy to make some needed changes, but girlfriend I'm here to tell you it's always worth it.

On the journey,
Cindy

One resource book that has been invaluable to me and is written with such clarity: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

my favorite hoodie

It’s tattered.  It has that lived-in-feeling. It’s what my mom calls threadbare and given the opportunity she would throw it out in a New York minute.  It’s literally (and figuratively) my comfort zone.  It’s like an old dear friend that knows me inside and out.  It has known the triumphs and oh-has-it seen the glory of my messiness.  My favorite hoodie has been “snot on” by little ones, cried on by mamas, hugged on, cursed at by wounded souls, sweat in and loved.  If this hoodie could talk - it would write these contemplations with ease.  It’s wise beyond its years in regards to emotional boundaries - both healthy and unhealthy.

I know it’s wisdom because I wore this hoodie every Monday night when I was the director at Oak Street House.  I got down and dirty on Mondays.  It was the night of the week when we were all about living life together - the good, the bad and the ugly.  I got down on the floor and played with the kids - oh the memories of laughing, singing, crying for mama, and taking rides on the “silly train”.  Monday night was “mandatory”!  We all ate dinner together as a family.  We took turns cooking.  We invited friends.  And THEN there was house meeting - oh my!  House meeting was where we “duked it out” - I mean figured out this thing we call community and how to live together in something that was supposed to resemble harmony.  Envision yourself living together in a beautiful Victorian with nine of your dearest girlfriends and all of your children are under the age of five - can you say difficult, if not impossible?  House meeting was our weekly intensive, crash course in boundaries - the DO’s and DON’Ts of healthy boundaries.

Oak Street House is where I learned all about the power of emotional boundaries. It’s where I grew healthier.  I used to chuckle with my clinical supervisor when I was in the throes of self-discovery.  I’d say everyone should have to work with the homeless and those in recovery - it’s like holding up a mirror to see all of the icky stuff that lives within the walls of your own true self.  Needless to say, with perseverance, patience and love we all grew healthier, that is, all of us who were willing to put forth the effort.

I’m wearing my blue hoodie right now.   It’s going to help me write my messiest contemplations to date.  You see, I’ve been a bit stuck.  The five foundations of this forthcoming book are growth, communication, the power of girlfriends, making life matter and boundaries.  Boundaries *sigh*.  Really, I tried not to save the hardest for last ~ these last contemplations have become the vegetables on the plate of a 3-year-old. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve sat down to “contemplate” the matter of boundaries since starting to write this book a year and a half ago. Once stuck, I put off the writing until later. The “later” train has now pulled into the station.  You’d think it would be easy for me.  I’ve learned so much and I’ve facilitated a number of workshops and retreats on the subject.  Yet, it’s not easy to put the un-pretty stuff of life down on paper - especially when it’s not a black and white subject matter.  

I’ve had a number of brainstorming sessions with Brad and Lisa, my coach, to help me get unstuck in this part of the writing.  Brad and I came up with the list of boundary titles to contemplate.  Last week, Lisa suggested starting off with a confession of why it’s so difficult to write about this subject.  This week’s brainstorm was my blue hoodie.  I’m finally writing.  Yay!  

Interestingly enough, I wonder if there’s a parallel process going on here?  I wonder if that’s what we all do when it comes time to put forth the effort to grow in an especially difficult place within ourselves?  Did someone say healthy boundaries?  Do we get stuck?  Do we keep putting off the process until later?  Until later arrives and it’s NOW necessary.  Hmmm...I wonder?

Words and phrases that come to mind when I think about boundaries ~ necessary, complicated, nuances, freedom, seemingly moving targets, protection, energy-draining, hard work, self awareness, discovery, growth, and my favorite - MESSY.

Just look at what dictionary.com has to say about the word MESSY:
Part of Speech:  adjective
Definition: cluttered, dirty
Synonyms: blotchy, careless, chaotic, confused, dishelved, disordered, disorganized, grimy, grubby, littered, muddled, rumpled, raunchy, slapdash, slipshod, sloppy, slovenly, unfastidious, unkempt, untidy
Antonyms: clean, ordered, organized, uncluttered

I confess I’m not the expert on boundaries but I’ve learned a whole bunch in my study and practice of healthy boundaries.  I’ve seen firsthand the power of boundaries defined.  I've learned that healthy boundaries are a journey not a destination.  I know they can help us live a life filled with Less Drama.  Boundaries protect us.  They help us know where we begin and where we end.  They help us keep the good in and let the bad out.  They help us know what is our responsibility and what isn’t. They help us live in community together.  Boundaries help us keep in relationship with the safe people and say goodbye to the toxic people in our lives.  Boundaries help us know when to say yes and when to say no.  So, over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing some of my contemplations and insights.  Note to self, you have now just “told the world” - there’s the accountability you’ve been needing.

If these contemplations in the coming weeks spark in you an interest to grow in the area of healthy boundaries, I encourage you to read the various boundaries books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, you can find them on amazon.com.  They are my boundary gurus.  I think their books should be in the “dummies” section of the bookstore instead of the self-help section, i.e. “Boundaries for Dummies”.  They make the content easy to digest and they get to the heart of the matter.  They know boundaries.

So, there you have it ~ a picture of my favorite hoodie with it’s back story, a confession on why it’s so difficult to write about boundaries and a commitment to write some on this very messy subject.  I hope you are ready to embark on this last leg of the journey with me.  My friend, Cindy Mitchell, said earlier today - hurry up with the veggies, so we can get on with dessert.

Still Writing,
Cindy

Yet Another Interruption

I've been thinking about the gems that I'm writing about in my book that I hope to finish this summer.  Right now, I'm committing to you all to have it done by Labor Day.  I'm playing around with the title - "Contemplations of a Less Drama Queen",   "How to Increase Your Less Drama Factor", "Profile of a Less Drama Queen", "Little Gems to Live By...The Life of a Less Drama Queen", "Less Drama, More Freedom"...the list goes on!

My book is about the journey.  It is centered on 5 life gems - communication, boundaries, growing, the power of girlfriends, and living the important life.  I've been sharing some of my thoughts and insights along the way in this weekly truth or dare.  

So today's installment touches on the topic of boundaries.  Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.  They help us let the good in and keep the bad out.  A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my "yard" begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options.

So - with that said about boundaries - I read this statistic this morning in the magazine, PINK,  "Interruptions consume 28 percent of the average workday."  Source - Basex.

Interruptions are sometimes welcomed.  Interruptions and distractions are sometimes needed but sometimes they keep us from being effective and getting what we really want.

I dare you to tell the truth:
Where do you need to set up a fence, door, gate, wall to keep the interruptions at bay?  
What can you devote 2 hours of un-interrupted time to in the next week?  Where do you want to curb your interruptions?  Where can you eliminate interruptions?

All good questions to ponder - especially when you are trying to write a book =)