It’s tattered. It has that lived-in-feeling. It’s what my mom calls threadbare and given the opportunity she would throw it out in a New York minute. It’s literally (and figuratively) my comfort zone. It’s like an old dear friend that knows me inside and out. It has known the triumphs and oh-has-it seen the glory of my messiness. My favorite hoodie has been “snot on” by little ones, cried on by mamas, hugged on, cursed at by wounded souls, sweat in and loved. If this hoodie could talk - it would write these contemplations with ease. It’s wise beyond its years in regards to emotional boundaries - both healthy and unhealthy.
I know it’s wisdom because I wore this hoodie every Monday night when I was the director at Oak Street House. I got down and dirty on Mondays. It was the night of the week when we were all about living life together - the good, the bad and the ugly. I got down on the floor and played with the kids - oh the memories of laughing, singing, crying for mama, and taking rides on the “silly train”. Monday night was “mandatory”! We all ate dinner together as a family. We took turns cooking. We invited friends. And THEN there was house meeting - oh my! House meeting was where we “duked it out” - I mean figured out this thing we call community and how to live together in something that was supposed to resemble harmony. Envision yourself living together in a beautiful Victorian with nine of your dearest girlfriends and all of your children are under the age of five - can you say difficult, if not impossible? House meeting was our weekly intensive, crash course in boundaries - the DO’s and DON’Ts of healthy boundaries.
Oak Street House is where I learned all about the power of emotional boundaries. It’s where I grew healthier. I used to chuckle with my clinical supervisor when I was in the throes of self-discovery. I’d say everyone should have to work with the homeless and those in recovery - it’s like holding up a mirror to see all of the icky stuff that lives within the walls of your own true self. Needless to say, with perseverance, patience and love we all grew healthier, that is, all of us who were willing to put forth the effort.
I’m wearing my blue hoodie right now. It’s going to help me write my messiest contemplations to date. You see, I’ve been a bit stuck. The five foundations of this forthcoming book are growth, communication, the power of girlfriends, making life matter and boundaries. Boundaries *sigh*. Really, I tried not to save the hardest for last ~ these last contemplations have become the vegetables on the plate of a 3-year-old. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve sat down to “contemplate” the matter of boundaries since starting to write this book a year and a half ago. Once stuck, I put off the writing until later. The “later” train has now pulled into the station. You’d think it would be easy for me. I’ve learned so much and I’ve facilitated a number of workshops and retreats on the subject. Yet, it’s not easy to put the un-pretty stuff of life down on paper - especially when it’s not a black and white subject matter.
I’ve had a number of brainstorming sessions with Brad and Lisa, my coach, to help me get unstuck in this part of the writing. Brad and I came up with the list of boundary titles to contemplate. Last week, Lisa suggested starting off with a confession of why it’s so difficult to write about this subject. This week’s brainstorm was my blue hoodie. I’m finally writing. Yay!
Interestingly enough, I wonder if there’s a parallel process going on here? I wonder if that’s what we all do when it comes time to put forth the effort to grow in an especially difficult place within ourselves? Did someone say healthy boundaries? Do we get stuck? Do we keep putting off the process until later? Until later arrives and it’s NOW necessary. Hmmm...I wonder?
Words and phrases that come to mind when I think about boundaries ~ necessary, complicated, nuances, freedom, seemingly moving targets, protection, energy-draining, hard work, self awareness, discovery, growth, and my favorite - MESSY.
Just look at what dictionary.com has to say about the word MESSY:
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: cluttered, dirty
Synonyms: blotchy, careless, chaotic, confused, dishelved, disordered, disorganized, grimy, grubby, littered, muddled, rumpled, raunchy, slapdash, slipshod, sloppy, slovenly, unfastidious, unkempt, untidy
Antonyms: clean, ordered, organized, uncluttered
I confess I’m not the expert on boundaries but I’ve learned a whole bunch in my study and practice of healthy boundaries. I’ve seen firsthand the power of boundaries defined. I've learned that healthy boundaries are a journey not a destination. I know they can help us live a life filled with Less Drama. Boundaries protect us. They help us know where we begin and where we end. They help us keep the good in and let the bad out. They help us know what is our responsibility and what isn’t. They help us live in community together. Boundaries help us keep in relationship with the safe people and say goodbye to the toxic people in our lives. Boundaries help us know when to say yes and when to say no. So, over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing some of my contemplations and insights. Note to self, you have now just “told the world” - there’s the accountability you’ve been needing.
If these contemplations in the coming weeks spark in you an interest to grow in the area of healthy boundaries, I encourage you to read the various boundaries books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, you can find them on amazon.com. They are my boundary gurus. I think their books should be in the “dummies” section of the bookstore instead of the self-help section, i.e. “Boundaries for Dummies”. They make the content easy to digest and they get to the heart of the matter. They know boundaries.
So, there you have it ~ a picture of my favorite hoodie with it’s back story, a confession on why it’s so difficult to write about boundaries and a commitment to write some on this very messy subject. I hope you are ready to embark on this last leg of the journey with me. My friend, Cindy Mitchell, said earlier today - hurry up with the veggies, so we can get on with dessert.
Still Writing,
Cindy
