It's been a year since one of my dearest friends went home to heaven...Sharon Garland died on April 25, 2009. She was a fierce advocate, a lover of life, an "in your face kinda girl" and the consummate momma bear. So many memories flood my heart today like warm tears shed out of sheer joy. I loved that girl with all my heart. She made me laugh. She let me be me. She taught me the power of sharing our stories. She gave confidence a new face. Bravery was her middle name. A diamond in the rough! She was my friend, confidant, caretaker, and esteemed colleague. She helped me understand the stronghold of addiction. One of these days, I'll give you a proper introduction to the lady whose charisma could have catapulted her into the office of presidency of the United States (if only she hadn't inhaled). For now, I'd love you to hear her story. Please read it with your soul.
In 2003, Sharon wrote this upon my request to help our volunteers at Oak Street House understand the heart of addiction.
ADDICTED TO FEELING NOTHING
I am a child who has been beaten, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually.
I have learned how to please everyone and trust no one, not even myself.
I have little or no self-esteem.
I will lie, manipulate, and steal, to get what I need and what I really need is understanding.
The understanding that I am vulnerable and sensitive, too sensitive so I medicate, I isolate,
I keep everything inside until I am about to burst.
You may never see me cry, then I would be exposed, I would be pathetic,
Though I can cry on command.
How will you know when the tears are real, or just another guise to make you mine?
You wonder what type of person would set out to purposely destroy their lives, not I.
Yet, you see, I have shut down a long time ago and this is the only way I know how to feel,
How to feel nothing inside.
I am a child, who has never had the chance to grow up with love,
Kindness, affection, or understanding.
I am pimp; I am whore who wields the sword of power over my victims.
I am a casualty of my surroundings, and a predator in the making.
If you show me weakness the only thing I know, is how to take advantage,
Because my survival for the longest time has depended on the moment when I feel the need not to suffer anymore.
I live to not feel, and sometimes no matter how much dope I have I still can never escape,
Because everyday I wake I face an existence of pure pain.
When I come in from the madness, I am exposed, raw, and scared,
And now I am supposed to feel.
What happens when I feel and I don’t know how to handle my thoughts
Because I never have had them before,
I am going to get angry, I am going to push you away,
I am going to isolate and hope I can find a way to deaden the ache.
I am going back to what I know, even if that way will eventually cause me so much more pain,
Because you see it is what I know.
When you punish me, I laugh in your face, you could never do anything so terrible to me that
I have not done to myself already, more devastating then you could ever imagine.
So I wonder what are you trying to teach me, some lesson in life’s consequences,
You better find another way.
I need to know there is a place for me, to grow, to live, to not be humiliated
Because you really don’t have a clue, do you - the hell I have been living.
Now you want me to transform, overnight, when it took me many long years
To get where I am now.
Look at my survival skills, look at the strength and determination
I possess to be sitting here right this minute;
Believe that I am worthy inside, even when I don’t.
You try to help though I fight you all the way, it is not my intent to disrespect you,
But until I am ready to admit I have a problem, I may seem like a waste of your time.
But whatever you do, do not think that I am hopeless,
For the seed has been planted and some of us just take longer to bloom than others.
Everyone else has given up on me, so why not you, show me that my existence is worthwhile,
Even though I cannot love myself right now, please love me anyways.
Even when I am angry, let me know that you are there for me,
Let me fall but be there to guide me back.
I am a child who has been stripped of everything and I do not know
Or have never been shown that there is a different way.
Give me options, give me praise, but do not try to humble me, only I can do that.
Let me know trust, let me know that I am a valuable human being.
Do not let me run circles around you.
Let me make mistakes, be there to walk me through the process,
Do not let go until letting go might be the only way to show me love.
For you see I will tell you anything you want to hear
But what you need to do is to watch what I do.
When I start shutting down and my behaviors start to change you need to pull me up,
You need to call my bluff, and the danger in that is that my bluff could kill me.
Written by Sharon Garland, January 2003
