Wash the Blues Away with Pink and Orange!

"I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude."
~ Anonymous.

I spent most of last week wanting one thing and getting another. Don't you just hate that? I wanted a grateful heart (I've got lots to be thankful for) but instead I kept indulging myself with a cranky, whiny spirit. It was pitiful.

The census at the hospital has been low (which is probably a good thing in the full scope of life: low census = less sick people) but for the staff it means we get called off from our regular shifts. I got my first of three calls last week Monday morning at 5:00am. Not a good way to start off the week. I "dedicated" five of my days to the hospital last week and got to work only two. Needless to say, that threw a wrench in my plans and my paycheck. I wanted to be thankful that I have a job that helps pay the bills and then some. I wanted to be grateful that I have a house over head and food on the table whether or not I get called off from work. There are people in my town that a day without work means no food in their kids' bellies. But no, I whined and complained about it to anyone who would listen. What do you do when you know that gratitude is a good thing but you can't quite get there?

As the week progressed, I thought about all the families that lost their loved ones ten years ago. I especially thought about my friend, Bob, who lost his dad in the north tower. His dad was there for a three day business trip. Words cannot express that kind of sadness. As the memories flooded every media outlet, my inward heart longed to be grateful, but crankiness continued to hold its reign. I ask you, how is that possible?

I'm usually a happy go-lucky kind of girl, so this way of being was really beginning to drag me down. A couple of you even commented on my debby downer Facebook posts wondering, "What's up?" Ungratefulness, entitlement, and complaining hung like dark clouds over my mood.

Thursday night, gratitude tried to peek out from the clouds. I told Brad how much I loved him and listed off a boat load of reasons why I thought we were a great match. Brad then shared this treasure with me, "My life would be impoverished without you, my Cindybelle!" My heart melted. Crankiness got pushed out to sea (at least for the night). But as quickly as it went out, the next day it came in with the tide. Who fights with their husband after he shares that kind of goodness? That's right, I do. I concluded my week with a big ol' fight with Brad. Oh my! No need to worry, it's resolved. We really are a good fit =)

Anyone who knows me, knows that this season of my life is stellar! So, why all this whining and complaining? Believe-you-me, I was asking myself that all week. I really have no good reason for it. I can't even blame it on hormones. It just was. Has this ever happened to you?

What do you do to pull yourself out from a funk? Do you have anything that works?

I had a session this morning with my wonderfully intuitive coach, Lisa Pasbjerg. She started our session with this question, "What are you celebrating?" I uttered, "the blahs." Instead of celebrations, I shared my whine list. She asked me, "What do you want from this session?". Inspiration please! She countered with "What's worked in the past?"

Here's the list = A day on the water, fresh flowers, wearing a fun outfit, listening to my favorite playlist, inspiration shared with a girlfriend, cool sun-shiny weather, time spent with God, and a good dose of side-splitting belly laughter with Bradford that brings tears to my eyes. Before I got off the phone with Lisa, I told her that I had started this morning out with creating a playlist titled, "Monday Morning Blues Picker Uppers". She chuckled. In need of a new perspective, I ended the call with a challenge for myself ~ Take off the "blues" and don some pink and orange, which just happen to be my happy colors.

Well, I studied my list. Some of the things on my "debunk the funk" list were not readily available. So I set out for a moment with God.

I went outside. It was only 77 degrees. (Sunshiny and cool enough)
I laid down in my hammock and began to sway back and forth.
I listened to a playlist that soothes my soul. I let the songs gently soak in. Psalm 61 came to mind. Hmm...I thought. I wonder what that has to say to me and my cranky self. I opened to Psalm 61 in my handy little app on my phone.

Here's what I read: A David Psalm...

God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer. When I'm far from anywhere (hello can you say, "I've lived there all week"), down to my last gasp, I call out, "Guide me up High Rock Mountain!" You've always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all. A lifetime pass to your safe-house, an open invitation as your guest (just what I needed - imagine that). You've always taken me seriously, God, made me welcome among those who know and love you. Let the days of the queen of less drama (Cindy paraphrased) add up to years and years of good rule. Set her throne in the full light of God; post Steady Love and Good Faith as lookouts. And I'll be the poet who sings your glory and live what I sing every day.


Can you say, "Wow"? It immediately lifted my spirits. After a sweet while, I came inside. I painted my toes pink with a little orange daisy. I dressed myself in a light, airy orange blouse...and voila. The transformation had begun.


It came down to a matter of choice sprinkled with breathing room, stillness, and a little appointment with my maker. So in keeping with my "debunk the funk" list, I decided to share the gift of inspiration with my girlfriends. I hope this brings a little pick me up to your Monday.


Questions to Ponder:
What helps you get out of a funk?
What helps change your perspective?
How can you be patient and gentle with yourself when crankiness rules your world?


Donning a pink and orange heart,
Cindy

ahhh...to be truly known!

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been a busy girl learning the ropes and becoming a competent registered nurse. I do love it, but please, don't worry that I'll be giving this up. You all are my passion. My vision for Less Drama Queens "gets me up in the morning" or should I say evening depending upon which day it is. Did I tell you I'm working night shift? Let's just say it's a bit of an adjustment and leave it at that.

Have I shared with you my dreams for Less Drama Queens? I know I've told some of you about them. I so look forward to the day when we have Less Drama Queen groups throughout the United States - small communities of girlfriends - coming together regularly. Intentional. Connecting. Growing together. Inspiring each other. Maximizing potential. Sharing life together. Supporting each other. Living free. Thriving. And most of all - Making Life Matter. There is more to this vision (a retreat center, conferences, books...) but that's it in a nutshell. Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. It's what I'm all about and what I've been contemplating lately - truly being known.

Who knows the real you? Do you have anyone in your life that you can just be yourself with? A girlfriend you don't have to put the guard up for? A girlfriend who knows the good, the bad, and the ugly and STILL loves you? I hope so. There's nothing like a friend who lets you just be in their presence. Over my 45 years, I've been blessed with an abundance of just those kind of friends. Thank you Ashley, Lauri, Lara, Kate, Kerstin, Susan, Wynter, Julie, Michelle, and Alisha.

To be truly known takes courage. It takes commitment to the process. It takes stepping out into the unknown. I've been facilitating small groups for the last 20 years. I've learned a few things about becoming known. It's a miracle to behold - that moment in which it happens. That moment when the bonds begin to take hold. It always takes someone who decides that vulnerability is worth it and who is willing to take the first step and put themselves out there. It's a scary moment for the one who steps out and shares a piece of their soul. It's actually breath-taking (for those who have done it, you know I'm not being overdramatic when I say that). I've been the one to step out and trust. It's not easy but I can tell you it's oh-so-worth it! The rewards are worth that moment of limbo - that moment of "in between" - when you share that piece of your heart and you wait for it to be received. "Did I share too much? Can they handle that? Should I have kept that to myself? Will they think I'm crazy?" You know the drill. I wonder how that many thoughts can run through one's head in that in-between moment. It's mind boggling, really.

I'm here to tell you that vulnerability is worth it every time. Even when it's not received. Being vulnerable means you are open. You are willing. You are available to be known. Being known is what connects us to each other. As women, it's especially important for us to connect. It's a big part of what we were created for.

I encourage you. I challenge you to be known in the circles you travel. Allow yourself the room to be vulnerable. Share yourself with others. Of course, be safe with whom you choose to share. But by all means, please share! You are a treasure - a gift to be given.

Be known,
Cindy

The Power of Girlfriends

I believe that we are all created treasures!
I believe that we all have something to give and something to receive.
I believe in growing.
I believe it’s okay to make mistakes.
I believe in the power of girlfriends.
I believe in making life matter!

Do you believe? Every time I have the opportunity to speak to communities of girlfriends, this is my message. These truths have been born out of my life experience. I hold them dear to my heart. They have become my calling.



What are the truths that you stand by? That you live out?

I believe as women, we are uniquely equipped to impart our wisdom and life experience onto the next generation of girlfriends. We talk, we process, we vent, we share life together. We are community. We are made for relationships ~ we love to connect. We make things happen. We thrive together!

One hundred years ago today...they believed in the power of girlfriends, too! In 1911, more than one million women and men attended International Women’s Day rallies campaigning for women's rights to work, vote, be trained, to hold public office and end discrimination. International Women’s Day is a global celebration of the economic, political, and social achievements of women past, present, and future. Today is the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day ~ oh happy day!

This calls for a celebration! Call up a girlfriend. Celebrate a recent accomplishment. Share a glass of wine or a latte! Relish in the power of girlfriends.
You might even discuss how you can invest in the future of a young girl.

Please watch these two videos below that leave an impact in the life of a girl!

Making life matter one girl at a time,
Cindy

P.S. Happy “Phat” Tuesday!

the naked grape experience

The other day I was at the grocery store and I noticed this wine display. Imagine that?! You know that this girl loves pinot grigio but it wasn't the wine that actually caught my eye ((insert the surprised look on your face)). Plain and simple it was the Naked Grape.

"At The Naked Grape, we believe keeping it simple makes it great. We focus on what's important and strip away the rest. Start with the best grapes, don't over-think it, and let the bare essence of the fruit shine through." ~ The Naked Grape.

It was there in that moment that this contemplation was born. What if we were like The Naked Grape? No pretense. Out there for others to experience more fully. Naked (metaphorically speaking, please).

What if we were to keep it simple? Focus on what's important and strip away the rest. Start with the best (that's us, remember I believe that each and every one of us was created a treasure) and not over-think it. Let the bare essence of our self shine through.

What a difference that might make! I believe we would live closer to our truth. We would connect with others more freely. We could really be known on a deeper level. You know that freedom that washes over you when you are able to JUST BE yourself. Wouldn't it be grand if that was our norm? Our insecurities would no longer get the best of us. Our competitive natures could take a vacation. Our worry generators might actually go on the fritz. We could take off the masks that hide our true selves. We could just be. Wow - do you feel the freedom?

You ask where do we start? First of all, let me say that this "way of being in the world" is not something that will miraculously happen to us as the alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Our layers of "protection" were not built over night. Let's be frank, some of the walls we have in place were created to keep us emotionally safe. So, I trust you to know for yourself the pace at which you would like to set out on this journey of discovery.

I know some of you will be ready to dive into this exercise while others of you will need some time to work up to it. I do hope you will join us in our naked grape experience. I believe the rewards that await us are worth the trek. I've had a few "tastes" of living in splendidly safe vulnerability. It felt real. It felt good. I trust that our communities of girlfriends will benefit from the authenticity and openness that will come. I also know that it takes a few brave souls to invite this kind of "truly being known". Are you one of the brave?

I want us to become familiar with what's at our core. I want us to begin to live out of this space. What is your essence? I know ~ it's a flowery word ~ but let's just go with it for now.

Essence can be defined like this:

* the permanent as contrasted with the accidental element of being
* one that possesses or exhibits a quality in abundance as if in concentrated form
* the most significant element, quality, or aspect of a thing or person
* in or by its very nature : essentially, basically.

So, here begins our collective naked grape experience.

Let's get back to the basics. Who were we created to be in this world? What are the significant elements of our being? If we were to strip away all the layers of pretense, who would show up? I bet if you take some time to reflect on this ~ some words that describe your essence might bubble to the surface. I'm _________. I'm _________. I'm __________. You get to fill in the blanks. There are no wrong answers.

If you are having trouble getting to your essence, I want you to do this. Have a piece of paper and pencil ready. Then, I want you to call two or three trusted friends or family members (people that know the real you). I want you to ask them these two questions, "What shows up when I do? What qualities do I bring to a room?" If they ask you why, tell them that you are participating in the Less Drama Queen Naked Grape Experience. No, no, no ~ don't tell them that =) Tell them whatever makes the most sense to you. Remember to keep it simple. "What shows up when I do? What qualities do I bring to a room?" The words they share with you will probably give you a good sense of what your bare essence is.

Once, you have those five or six words that describe your essence, I want you to post them where you will see them as a reminder. If you'd like, write them on an index card and stick it in your wallet. If you dare, post them on your computer at work. I'm here to tell you that this is the easy part. Please don't shoot the messenger .

Now this is where it will take all the courage we can muster. Don't over-think it. Let us practice letting our bare essence shine through in our every day interactions. Let us be intentional in saying no to our insecurities. Let us turn off our worry generator. Let us invite our girlfriends to do the same. Begin where you feel safe. As we focus on what's important and let the "non-essential, not helpful, not necessary" be stripped away, I promise others will take notice. They will find it refreshing. They might even be willing to join us in our naked grape experience.

Instead of being passers-by, we will actually experience each other more fully. Yay for that.

Deep breaths!

Letting down the masks,
Cindy

beginner's luck ~ bah humbug!

Instead of “Contemplations of a Less Drama Queen”, today’s musing should be titled “Confessions of a Less Drama Queen.”

I miss you all. I haven’t been writing as often as I like. I offer you this confession:

We all go through new seasons of life every so often. As you well know, I like growing but I’m here to tell you that becoming a beginner is not for the faint-hearted. It’s not easy being a beginner. It’s hard work. It takes courage and determination. It uses up gallons of energy. It can be downright scary ~ just ask any five year old learning to ride a bike once the training wheels have been pulled off.

At age 45, I’m a beginner again ~ beginning my nursing career. It’s way hard and there are moments when I’m thrown for a loop. It sneaks up on me and wham - I’m overwhelmed. I knew when I committed myself to nursing that I had taken on quite a challenge. It’s been more than I expected from day 1 of nursing school (I almost quit 3 weeks into my pre-requisites). Please don’t get me wrong ~ I know I made the right choice and I love it (I feel blessed beyond measure to have a job and working for Adventist Health) ~ but at this point in my career it’s an uphill climb (think Half Dome). Some days I think that the learning curve is way too steep but then I come around the bend and see the view - whoa am I blown away by it’s spectacular-ness. I take a deep breath in and continue the journey.

I’m not gonna lie - the last month at work has been hard for me. Yep, I even started out my work day a couple of weeks ago with a big ol’ cry (probably hormone-induced but tearfully warranted all the same.) I can cry with the best of them. I think I’m okay with tears in the work place (life happens) but when I met with my life coach the other day, I decided I needed some coaching in regards to why my tears keep welling up. Long story short...Conclusion = I’m a beginner and being a beginner is hard (no one wants to fail), especially for those of us who haven’t been a beginner in a really long time.

I know from previous experience that whenever you start a new job, “spent” is the word that comes to mind on the commute home. I believe it’s because your brain is creating new neural pathways and the system is being taxed in new ways. It is almost like your brain hurts. Learning uses lots of brain power regardless of what the new thing is. I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve talked to a number of you lately and a lot of us are in a season of change or newness. So, I thought I would use this “confession” to share some of the insights I’ve had as I contemplate new beginnings:

Get lots of sleep. You’ll need it. Last Friday afternoon I laid down for a short nap and much to my surprise I woke up 3 hours later. Give yourself heaps of grace. Stick to the basics (do only what’s necessary). Make room for moments of sunshine. Take lots of deep breaths. Drink ice cold water every chance you get (think refreshing waterfalls flowing over you). Be patient with yourself and others. Fresh flowers bring smiles to your face. Sign the permission slip to let some things go. Remember that one day soon things will be back “to the regularly scheduled programming” but for now take some needed breaks from your rigorous go-go-go lifestyle. Call a friend ~ it is one of your life lines. Sit quietly at least once a day. Don’t forget that new beginnings bring new possibilities.

So, there you have it. I’m hoping to get back to my regularly scheduled programs soon and be contemplating more often.

Pouring out heaps of grace,
Cindy

can ashley come out and play?

As I sit here and write I’m thinking, “I can’t wait to play.” Brad and I have a play date planned as soon as this contemplation is written. When was the last time you went out to play? I’m talking seriously played. It’s my intention today to challenge us. I think as women in this 21st century we are all too often, a lot like Jack. Would you agree with me? All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl.

If you know me - you know that I LOVE to play. Call me a bit crazy but I believe it’s one of my callings in life. It’s my civic duty to help us play. I just sat through 40 hours of training this week (oh my!). Hence, the reason why I can’t wait to get out and play today ~ lol. In the training, one of the seasoned nurses said this, “If you work hard, you must play hard.” You can be rest assured that I took this simple piece of advice to heart and will try my best to fulfill it as I set out on this new endeavor. Do you hear your new challenge ladies? I know that each and every one of you work hard...so guess what that means? You're brilliant, you guessed it - PLAY HARD!

The subject of play - pure unadulterated play or the lack there of in the lives of our kids today has been a hot topic in the news lately. Who hasn’t heard of the tiger momma? As we contemplate, I’ll try really hard not to mount up on my soap box. I read an article recently in the New York Times (The Mess of Child's Play) that said exactly what I’ve been saying for the last 15 years professionally. Our kids aren’t getting enough playtime. They must play. Our kids must imagine. It’s essential to their health and growth. I believe that adults are no different and we have set a bad example. It’s not only our kids that must play - WE MUST PLAY. We must imagine. It really is essential to our health and our growth.

There you have it. I dare you to get out and play. I dare you to make a list of the things you like to play at. I challenge you to up your play time in 2011. Will you go out and play once a day, once a week, or once a month? All I’m asking is that you simply increase your play time. I know you’ll thank me. I’m here to tell you that giving your mind, body and soul some play time will actually increase your productivity at work.

Must play,
Cindy

she kept all these things and pondered them in her heart...

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” So says Oscar Wilde.

My hope for us this holiday season is this: That we embrace the precious things that cannot be stolen from us. That we set our compass towards the “real riches” of the season and when we find these moments ~ let us relish in them.

I know that we all have our lists of things that must get done: “buy the turkey, bake the pies, clean the house, put up the lights, bring hostess gifts to a plethora of holiday soirees, trim the tree, clean the house again, buy presents, wrap presents, clean the house yet again, pick up grandma from the airport, get teacher gifts, write holiday cards ~ and the list goes on.” I want to challenge us to put together a different kind of “must get done” list this season.

It might look like this: “Give thanks for my family as we eat a yummy leftover turkey sandwich, share a fun little secret with a dear girlfriend over some hot chocolate, belt out Jingle Bells with our nieces and nephews as we drive down the interstate, stop for a moment in the hustle and bustle of shopping and watch the kids climb up on Santa’s lap, celebrate new beginnings with a glass of champagne on a midnight clear, sit down to a toasty fire and contemplate all that warms my heart...”. You get the idea. I dare us to be intentional this season and as we sit down to make our “keep us sane” to-do list, we would make the equally important (if not more important) list of “real riches” we want to partake in this season.

As you create your “real riches” list allow your senses to come alive. Remember to drink in the sights, sounds, and aromas of the season. Relish in simple family traditions. Embrace this season with the expectancy of a six year old. Let go of the need to have everything “just right”. Sit with what is really important to you. I’m guessing once we take a moment to still our minds - out of our heart the “real riches” list will flow.

Here’s some ideas from Less Drama’s magic moments holiday tips list:

Be intentional about the events you say “Yes” to this season.
Perform a random act of kindness each day this season.
Make a play-list of your favorite holiday tunes for your daily commute.
Have a “Christmas Card Writing” party with your girlfriends complete with festive holiday music and festive beverages.
Commit to staying home one night a week and be intentional about savoring the season.
Organize a spontaneous evening of car caroling with your girlfriends or family ~ if you dare, roll down the windows and share your joy with the city.
Keep a 5 minute-a-day Advent journal.
Craft your own Advent calendar complete with reminders of “real riches.”
Hang white lights around your flat or apartment.
Invite some friends over to watch Elf or The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Bake a plate of cookies for your neighbors or apartment building.
Go to bed 15 minutes earlier each weekday night (research says it makes a difference).
Write your “Real Riches” list on a index card and carry it with you as a reminder of all that can’t be stolen from you this holiday season.

I give thanks for you. I give thanks that these contemplations flow from my heart to yours. I look forward to sitting down and creating my own “real riches” list for the season ~ who knows it might become a yearly tradition.

Feeling extremely grateful,
Cindy

sing out loud!

I spend three hours driving most days ~ I know crazy, huh? That's what happens when you become a married country girl who decides to go to nursing school. Don't think I don't remember my days on the 38 Muni in San Francisco as a single, city girl with fondness because I do. A couple of weeks ago when I was searching for some more "breathing room" in my days, I decided (with the encouragement of my Visalia Less Drama Queens) to stop multi-tasking when I drive and spend the time listening to music, driving in silence and/or reflecting on my day. I must admit I haven't been totally successful with my new resolution but when I do it ~ it's bliss.

So, yesterday I'm driving down the road listening to the 70's station on Sirius and "Sing!" by Karen Carpenter came on the radio. It brought me back to circa 1973 ~ I was swinging and singing at the top of my lungs out in our backyard with the audience of me, myself and I. I was full of life and I was content. After all, I was singing out loud and at the ripe ol' age of 7, I knew it was my favorite song. I'm here to tell you I don't have the voice of angels - but I do love belting them out with the likes of Celine.

Of course, I know the words by heart but yesterday these words really hit home and I thought each and every one of us needs our own song to SING:

Sing, sing a song,
sing out loud, sing out strong.
Sing of good things not bad,
sing of happy not sad.
Sing, sing a song.

Make it simple to last your whole life long,
Don't' worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song.

Sing, sing a song,
let the world sing along.
Sing of love there could be.
Sing for you and for me,
sing of the best there could be.
Sing, sing a song.

Make it simple to last your whole life long,
Don't' worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song.

Just a little side note ~ "Sing" was written by Joe Raposo, a staff songwriter for Sesame Street. No wonder it was my favorite at age 7.

So, here's what I'm thinking. It's time you and I became lyricists and wrote our own theme song. Are you willing to take a time out this week? Take the time to reflect on the stuff of life that energizes you, that pumps you up, that inspires you. I dare you to write your own song. Make sure to add the good things...the happy...the stuff that your dreams are made of. Remember as you sit down to compose ~ that Joe says to make it simple to last your whole life long.

Once it's written, I want us to sing it like nobody's listening. I want us to sing of the best. I want us to sing for you and for me and don't forget to sing of the love there could be...Just sing, sing a song! It might sound a bit corny but I'm knowing there's gonna be power in it.

Are you with me on this? Are you willing to let your creative juices flow? If you're in one of my Less Drama Queen groups ~ Guess what? You will get the opportunity live and in person to write your song. I'm gonna use my drive time this week to reflect on this. You can bet my song will include some of these good things:

be real. be true. take time to breathe. love on brad. be still sometimes. the ocean waves are salve to my soul. don't rush. always give thanks for my girlfriends. don't forget that God gives abundantly. create. wait with an expectant heart. share with others. be generous. play hard. laugh lots. live well. thrive.

I can feel my song welling up in my heart as I write. If you're daring, please share your song with us via email or facebook. If you're really daring ~ invite your gal pals over for a song writing party over a glass of wine...how fun would that be?

My heart sings,
Cindy

we all do it! why?

Repeat after me ~ worry changes nothing. Let’s say it again ~ worry changes nothing. That’s right. I’ve known this principle for what seems like forever and yet I still find myself worrying. What’s up with that? I’m not even a worrier by nature. I once signed up for a worry retreat and my roommate knowing that I wasn’t a worrier questioned why? I said, “Well, I went on the anger retreat (which was the precursor to the worry retreat) not thinking I was angry. Let me tell you it was one of the most transforming experiences of my life (You should ask me about it some time). Needless to say I went on the worry retreat. That was at least 7 years ago - why am I still worrying???

Last week, I had something small (in the full scope of life) to worry my pretty little head about. The time I spent fretting wasted too many minutes of my life - maybe, perhaps a few hours in total. I needed to get my leadership rotation shifts scheduled for school and it was all dependent upon my nurse mentor and her schedule. I kept worrying because if I didn’t get them scheduled I could potentially not graduate in December. I knew they would get scheduled, yet in the mean time, I worried. I knew in my head that most things turn out okay in the long run, but as time ticked on and the shifts weren’t scheduled yet, I worked myself into a tizzy. It weighed on me. One night while I was taking a shower which should always be the one place where I have some breathing room and relaxation - it became a full blown frenzy. I kept telling myself - worry changes nothing. It didn’t seem to help. I kept pondering yet again (another word for worry in this particular case) how I might get those shifts scheduled. It was in that moment that I figured out why I worry ~ drum roll, please. I figured out that I some how THINK that if I ponder something LONG enough and hard enough - going through ALL the possible scenarios in my head ~ twisting and turning over EVERY possible combination I will stumble upon the solution. The problem was that the solution did not rest with me. I needed to let it go. For me, the solution came in releasing it to God ~ knowing I hadn’t come this far in nursing school and done so well to have someone else’s schedule hold me back. Guess what? I have my leadership rotation shifts scheduled. Surprise - Surprise. It all came together a couple of days later no thanks to my worrying. I have better things to do with my precious, limited time these days than to wile it away with worry over the small stuff.

I talk with girlfriends every day. Some one of us is always worrying about something. Worry often comes up in our Less Drama Queen coaching groups. I think it’s somehow built into our X-chromosome. I’ve been contemplating this thing called worry for a couple of weeks now. Of course, it’s not the first time I’ve pondered the topic.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking:

It’s what we do. We all worry. Some of us are more prone to it. Some of us only do it occasionally. Some of us thrive on it. It devours others of us. Some of us have done it for so long, we don’t even know when we are doing it again. We worry about small, inconsequential things and then we worry about important things and loved ones.

The next time we find ourselves worrying ~ I want us to stop and ask ourselves these questions:

What will worrying about this gain me?
Will my worrying change anything about this situation?
How much time am I willing to devote to worrying about this?
Is this worth my worrying?
Is this something important to worry about or something small and inconsequential?

Would you be willing to commit with me to let go of fretting over the inconsequential, small stuff of life? I’m thinking this might actually decrease a lot of our time spent worrying.

For the bigger stuff we worry about, I’m wondering if there isn’t a way to turn our worrying into a gift of love/care? I asked this question the other day. One of my Less Drama gals shared this insight she had learned long ago about grief, “When you are in the presence of tremendous grief, remember that you are also in the presence of powerful love.” Things that make you go hmm.

When we are worrying about our loved ones or something we care deeply about - couldn’t we say the same is true about our worry? We, too, are worrying because we love so much - we care so much. We, too, are in the presence of love. If you are like me the act of worrying drains energy. How would it change our perception of “worry” if we thought of it as a gift of love/care instead of a burden? Would it change how much it weighs upon us? Would we treat it differently? Would it have a different impact on our hearts and souls? Would it change what we did with those thoughts/concerns? I’m not sure on this one ~ I’m just putting it out there to see what you think about it? I’d love some dialogue.

So what will we do with our worry? Will we let it go? What’s our relationship with worry? Would we like to change how it effects us? What will we do with her? Will we send her packing when she gets us in a tizzy over the small stuff? Will we embrace her as a gift of love when it comes to the big stuff? Let me know your thoughts now that you have mine.

Finding rest today,
Cindy

P.S. A wise man once said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of its own.”

Save the Ta-tas!

Just to warn you I'm blogging about mistakes again. Yesterday my sister made a doozie. A mistake with seemingly little consequence but one that I'm sure would mortify each and every one of us. It was a simple and honest mistake that instantly catapulted her to new heights on the most embarrassing moments scale. Let me assure you that she has given me permission to share this story with you.

My sister, Denise, lives on Ft. Hood Army base in Texas. She recently set up a facebook page for Ft. Hood Wives to post local events. It's been a real gift in so many ways for her while her husband is deployed in Iraq. Every day she goes "out" on the internet in search of fun things for families and wives to do in their area. It has been well-received and gets lots of traffic. She already has 200+ fans in less than 3 weeks. She absolutely loves it, she's made some new friends, helped build community and it gives her something to do with her time.

Of course, she misses her husband dearly. She is very creative and is always finding fun ways to let Lee know how much he is loved while he is deployed. Yesterday, she threw caution to the wind and decided to email her man a topless picture of herself. Let me just say that my sissy is as modest as they come. She doesn't even let her big sister see her ta-tas. Do you see where this is headed?

With technology being just a touch pad away on our cellular devices and Lee's email address and Ft. Hood Wives being in succession of each other on her phone ~ GASP with another long pause thrown in for effect ~ Yep, that's right - she "discreetly" posted a topless photo of herself onto the Ft. Hood Wives with Events page on facebook. When she told me about this "little" incident, I encouraged her with these words, "Way to promote breast cancer awareness month." Hehehe. You gotta love big sisters.

Something clicked in her brain right after she sent it. You know that oh-no moment. She went to her facebook page with 200+ fans and sure enough there were her ta-tas staring her in the face. Oh my! (I'm chuckling as I write this but then again it didn't happen to me on my Less Drama Queens fan page.) Can you say horrified? Can you say sheer panic? Of course, she immediately deleted the photo. It was up for all of forty-five seconds. In this faster than a New York Minute tech world we live in - that was long enough to spur on a three hour sparring match on her facebook page. She had made a mistake and she needed a moment to figure out what the best way to handle her "oops" moment. She sat quietly as the firestorm began started by two ladies who were relentless about her indiscretion. They were downright mean and nasty. I could not believe it. She had made an honest (if not horrifying) mistake. She immediately took care of the problem. Within the hour, she had publicly confessed and humbly apologized. She deleted the nasty, off-color comments. The harassment continued ~ I dare say even to this morning. I'm grateful for all the girlfriends who came to my sister's rescue. The majority of the ladies on the site supported her through the barrage of the few and treated it in a light hearted manner. A number of the "wives" reminded everyone there, "We all make mistakes and Hello, our husbands are deployed, who hasn't sent them a picture like this?"

As my sister shared this story with me, I was struck by the power we hold in regards to our girlfriends. We all make mistakes. We all have the power to build up or tear down. We can choose to forgive or not. We can choose to extend grace or not. It saddens me that the "mean, nasty" voices of a few speak louder to our souls than that of the steady, grace-extending majority. I encourage all of us (myself included) to remember this silly little tale when our girlfriends make mistakes. Will we be found on the side of the grace-givers or will we be the ones throwing the stones?

On a side note, it is breast cancer awareness month. Help spread the word. I thank God that my mom is a breast cancer survivor. I thank God for my dear friend and mentor, Vickie, who taught me it was okay to make mistakes. She was a breast cancer survivor for five plus years before it stole her away from us. Take care of your ta-tas and if you ever choose to send someone a picture of them ~ please be sure to verify the address before you hit send.

Laughter is good for the soul,
Cindy

abc. it's as easy as 123.

Well, maybe it’s not as easy as 123. One of my dearest mentors (a queen mama) in life, Vickie Bare, taught me the importance of having a teachable spirit. She constantly challenged my growing edge. She loved me despite the mistakes I made. Her encouragement went like this, “That’s okay, you’re learning.”

I love learning and growing (been doing it now for 44+ years - yikes). I’ve learned that you can’t have growth without making some mistakes along the way. Bummer, I know. Some of us cringe at the idea of making a mistake. Sometimes that fear keeps us from trying new experiences. Here’s a gentle reminder for us:

If we are making mistakes, it means we are moving forward.
If we are making mistakes, it means we are taking risks.
If we are making mistakes, it means we are on the right track (as long as we are learning from our mistakes.)
If we are making mistakes, we are human.

A girlfriend told me yesterday that Bill Gates won’t hire you unless you have a proven track record of making mistakes. Who knows if that’s true? I did find this quote, “There were a lot of missteps in the early days, but because we got in early we got to make more mistakes than other people,” says Gates. Since Bill Gates is a pretty smart cookie - he knows the wisdom that comes from learning from your mistakes. I’m guessing he banks on it. Banks being the operative word.

I just started my leadership rotation for nursing clinicals this week. I’m hoping I won’t make too many mistakes this rotation but if I do, I’ll learn from them. Our wise instructor (who will remain nameless until I get her permission to share it), has been a nurse for 30+ years and has graduated over 2000+ nurses encouraged us with this thought yesterday:

“If I had a dollar for every mistake I’ve made in my life, I would not be here with you today. I would be on my own private, secluded island somewhere in the tropics with George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, and Benicio Del Toro serving me little umbrella cocktails.”

I dare you to learn something new. Step out and let’s remember that the next time we make a mistake, we are in good company.

I love learning,
Cindy

¡Adios Senorita Inseguridad!

I've been writing about our so out-dated, way-behind-the-times, no-good-for-us friend, Ms. Insecurity, for over a year now. In April, I heard Beth Moore speak to 300,000 ladies on this topic (So Long Insecurity) and I felt called to action.

Needless to say, I've been doing my fair share of contemplating the subject of Ms. Insecurity. During this time, I've also been battling against her wiles and I'd love to share with you some of the insights I've "stumbled" upon:

· Ms. Insecurity is not our friend. She is our enemy.
· She is not looking out for our best interest ~ she relishes in reminding us of our inadequacies, mistakes and our oversights. She wants to hold us back.
· She is a liar. Any thread of truth she whispers has been twisted and tangled up into something ugly and SO NOT the truth.
· She is the president of the "world revolves around me" club. She is continually recruiting members. I'm serious. She is persistent. I keep telling myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and that others don't have time to clutter their pretty, little heads with my state of being or my comings and goings. BUT she keeps on ~ trying to convince me that everyone spends all their waking moments pondering my situation, my perspective, my inadequacies, and my mess-ups. Can you believe her audacity?
· She wants to be our life long friend. We met her when we were young cape wearing, tiara-toting, wand-carrying princesses who believed we could save the world. She came on the scene and dashed our hopes. She's still dashing hopes of making life matter and taking steps towards positive change for the good. She loves pulling the loyalty card, too ~ one of her favorite statements is "Who can you really trust to tell you the truth?"
· She's "friends" with everyone. She is not discriminating. Her "friendship" knows no bounds. She hangs out with the smartest and the not-so smart, the beautiful and the not-so-beautiful, the talented and the not-so, the hopeful and not-so, the boldest and the most fearful, the most successful and the failure, the extrovert and the introvert, the wealthiest and the poorest, the seemingly most confident and the most insecure (and all of us in between those descriptions). She befriends us all at some point along the journey.
· She's over the top BOLD. She shows up all the time unannounced and uninvited. Once we are onto her ways and have told her that she is no longer welcome - she shows up anyway and her words are unrelenting and even more vehement.
· She makes mountains out of molehills. She takes a tiny little thread of truth and turns it into a three-eyed, six-headed, fire breathing monster. You might have made a tiny mistake and then Ms. Insecurity gets a hold of it and whispers not-so-sweet little nothings into your ear until you can't take it anymore and then before you know it - in your mind it's become this hugemongous (that is a word - I don't care what my spel chek says) incident that you are quite embarrassed of and so you avoid the scene of the "crime" (remember it was a tiny little mistake) or the people that witnessed the "crime" for days, weeks, or maybe even a lifetime. Has she ever taken one of your molehills and turned it into Mt. Everest? She's had that effect on me before.
· She doesn't like hearing NO. I've started saying no to her wiles, her whispers and her ways. She doesn't like it. She talks louder. She gets me to listen to her when I'm tired or over-stressed. Yesterday, I was really tired and I swear she tried to take over my brainwaves. I kept saying, "nananana ~ I'm not listening to you." (Actually, I was too tired to be that sassy to her.) That would silence her for a moment. When she kept on (as she does) I enlisted the help of a trusted friend - who set me straight and reminded me of the treasure I am and how silly Ms. Insecurity's lies really are.
· She hates our success! You should hear her rants when you've succeeded. Like I said, she's persistent and doesn't like defeat. Our success proves her wrong every time. It rattles her cages and she comes back even fiercer. This is the greatest insight I've learned over the last year in my study of her behavior. If we can be vigilant and valiant in our attempts to mute her out - she does eventually get the message and moves on - leaving us to celebrate our successes ~ the small and the great ones. One day we will conquer her together!

With all this insight - I'm thinking it's time we said Bye Bye to Ms. Insecurity for good. The truth is that it doesn't happen over night ~ darn it. It's a journey. It's a choice. It takes concerted effort. We have to be committed to it. We need help ~ we can't do it alone.

Are you ready to say Bye Bye? Let's say hello freedom, confidence, joy, true friendship, success, radiance, brilliance, and hope ~ whatever it is that our insecurity holds us back from.

Will you step up your game and say "I'm not listening" to Ms. Insecurity's lies? Will you be more aware when she shows up and ask to her to leave (politely, of course)? Will you ask a trusted friend to join you in saying bye bye? What step will you take today?

Contemplating Freedom,

Cindy

trust yourself

I had my p’s all in a row. The content for the evening had gone through the process ~ I had percolated. I had planned. I had prepared. I was ready.

As Less Drama Queens of Bakersfield began Wednesday night, I sensed that the agenda for the night needed to shift. I went with my gut and let go of the plan. In my little bag o’ tricks, I pulled out some postcards that had a quote printed on them. I asked each of the participants to take turns reading the quote aloud, “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

They looked at me, “You want us to each read the same quote out loud one after another??” Yes, please! They did as they were asked. As each of them read it with heart, it began to sink into our souls. Trust yourself. Trust yourself. Trust yourself.

The evening was one of the most powerful coaching sessions I have ever been honored to facilitate. My take-away for the evening was this: When I trust myself, good things come to fruition and my confidence is given a boost.

I’m believing that the same is true for each and every one of us. We’ve got reason to trust ourselves. What are your reasons?

You really didn’t think I would let you get off the hook easily, did you? If you are due for a confidence boost, please take out a sheet of paper.

Step 1: Write this quote at the top of the paper, “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

Step 2: Read it out loud (at least 3 times). Yes, I really want you to read it out loud.

Step 3: Write down at least five reasons you can trust yourself. If you have trouble coming up with this list, think about why others might trust you.

Step 4: Call a trusted girlfriend. Tell her about this blog post. Ask her if she would be willing to share in this confidence booster with you. Email her the quote.

Step 5: Read the quote out loud at least once (one after the other).

Step 6: Ask her to share with you at least one reason she trusts you. Write down the reason/s she trusts you in another column on the page. Then be sure to tell her why you trust her.

Step 7: Discuss together, “How does one create the kind of self that you would be happy to live with all your life?” Remember there is no right formula.

Step 8: Ponder the inner sparks of possibility within yourself. What are those sparks that could turn into flames of achievement? This might be a bit difficult for some of you. Really think about those little sparks that have lived dormant within you. If you’re still stumped, ask your girlfriend for help with this question. Write down your tiny, inner sparks on the piece of paper.

Step 9: Think about which spark you would like to begin to fan in the next couple of weeks - so that it might turn into a flame of achievement. Make a commitment to take an action step toward fanning the spark. It can be a small step. Just commit to do it. Share this with your girlfriend. Ask her to please hold you accountable.

Step 10: Go back to your list of the reasons why you can trust yourself. Take one of those reasons and “marry” it to the inner spark that you plan to fan into a flame. Share this with your girlfriend. Post it on an index card and place it on your dashboard, nightstand or bathroom mirror. Finish this exercise by reading the quote once again. “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

If you’re pressed for time, at least take a moment to ponder why you can trust yourself. Make sure to post the list. My hope for each of us is to be reminded that we indeed have reason to trust ourselves. Trust yourself!

If you dare, I’d love to hear your reasons why you can trust yourself. Please email me at cindy@lessdrama.com. Here’s five reasons why I can trust myself: My friends and family love me dearly; God is with me; I’m resilient; When I make mistakes, I’m willing to learn from them; and I know myself well.

Trusting,
Cindy

What did you learn this summer?

It's that time of year again. Labor Day is almost here and it's time to contemplate what I learned this summer. I believe there's power in taking time for reflection.

Summer School Lessons by Cindy Steele:

It is truly amazing to be at the right place at the right time and know it. Mowing the lawn can be redemptive - it gives you the time and space to work things out in your mind, body and soul. I sometimes feel like my life is a trapeze act that requires great faith. Teachers have to learn first. I like "R" words better than "D" words. Six-year-olds live life with all of their being. They are still true to themselves. Celebration is important and I've got a lot to celebrate! No matter how old you are, skipping with girlfriends is fun. A long lazy picnic + best friends + sunny day at Chrissy field in San Francisco = a great recipe for a warm heart.
Following self-imposed rules for life are oh-so-good for my over all well-being, especially when I have heaps on my plate. Cindy's simple rules to live by are this: 1) no rushing allowed 2) give myself ample morning time alone if I have been out late the night before 3) always make time for down time 4) create some home time if I've been on the go-go-go. Roller skating takes you back to a simpler place and time. Sonic happy hour iced teas are my new favorite treat. Siblings will always bicker on long car rides - no matter what their age. I love that family sticks together always! I've loved my sissy bum for 40+ years - oh my! Freedom and truth resonate with everyone. I'm a big fan of deep breaths. Happy dances are fun for all.

Thank you again, Allyson, for inspiring this practice in me. You are inspiration!

Contemplating Big Things on My Horizon,
Cindy

hello confidence

She’s six years old and she’s got game. I’m watching with bated breath from across the pool. She’s climbing higher and higher - up she goes calculating each foot placement as if she’s rock climbing Mt. Rainier. The lifeguard watches in amazement - she’s a tiny little thing - weighing all of 42 pounds soaking wet. He asks with a bit of trepidation, “Is she afraid of anything?” I’m shaking my head, “I don’t think so.” She reaches the top, smiles a proud smile and whoosh she lands in the pool. She’s out of the pool lickety split and back in line. She’s doing a happy dance with an invisible hula hoop and singing “Aunt Cindy, did you see me? I did it. I did it! Look at me - I climbed to the top. Woohoo. I’m so great. I did it!”

My heart sang for my niece, Cady. I was all smiles. I thought, “Wow! Now that is confidence in it’s purest form.” How could I capture that confidence? There must be a way to protect that in her. Cady’s happy dance was an inspiration. She’s full of life. She knows what she wants and goes forth it undaunted. She’s not afraid of looking silly or patting herself on the back in public. She did a good job and she was happy about it. She didn’t wait around to see what the rest of her world thought about her accomplishment. She just celebrated out in the open for all to see. How beautiful is that?

I think we all know when we’ve done a great job. I’d be willing to guess we all know the happy dance...unfortunately somewhere along the road we learned we shouldn’t celebrate out loud in front of everyone. What will people think? We might look conceited or full of our selves. Someone might not agree a celebration is in order. I’m guessing the happy dance we do is not on the dance floor of life - it’s done in the privacy of our heart or within the confines of our walk-in closet...or just maybe we misplaced our confidence or worse yet had it stolen through life experiences and the happy dance is no longer in our repertoire. This saddens me - all “grown up” and afraid to do the happy dance.

I dare us to be six again. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to see our “fellow” girlfriends celebrating life and accomplishments out loud with a happy dance for all the world to see? I can envision it. The happy dance becoming happenstance in the market, at the gym, and down the hallway at work. The next time we have an accomplishment, big or small, I dare us to change our “grown up” perspective and have the freedom and the confidence of a six year old to exuberantly do the happy dance and sing out loud, “Did you see me? I did it. I did it! Look at me - I climbed to the top. Woohoo. I’m so great. I did it!” Let’s get the word out - if Cady can do it unabashedly, why can’t we?

I hope you dance,
Cindy

P.S. I missed you all! It was good to be with family and make some fun memories - like the one I just shared. I’m now in the throes of the last semester of my RN program, trying real hard to keep Cady’s perspective.




let's have some fun...

Since we've discussed some weighty topics lately, I thought it was time for some fun. I'm off to visit with family for the next 3 weeks. I'm so excited to have some play time with my nieces and nephews. Woohoo!

When was the last time you went skipping with your girlfriends? It might be a bit silly but I'd be willing to bet it will get your endorphins doing backflips. Have you ever taken the time to turn "work" into fun? Please take a moment and watch the video below. It's a simple concept called the fun theory. The video highlights an elaborate project but I believe the idea is something simple we could use in our daily lives. I'm guessing the next time I have a difficult task to accomplish, I could use the fun theory. Would you be willing to sprinkle your daily tasks with some fun? If you need some help with ideas of the "how-to" of making work fun, just ask a 7-year old how they would do it. I know from my vast experience working with children and youth - they are experts on making "work" fun.

Here's some questions for you to contemplate:
Is fun a priority in your life?
How much fun have you had in the last week?
Are you due for some fun?
How can you incorporate some fun into your work day?

I'm off to have some fun ~
See you in a couple of weeks. =)
Cindy

d words vs. r words

So, I’ll try and make this brief since the last couple of contemplations have been quite wordy. GOL (giggle out loud).

This summer there’s been a “war” raging within my mind and soul. It’s taken up quite a bit of space on my mental hard drive. I don’t have the time right now to share all of the details (remember brevity is the goal today) but I will in due time.
I won some significant battles in this war last week.

I want to tell you about the battle of the “D” words vs. the “R” words. At the beginning of last week, the “D” words had taken up camp within my soul. It started with doubt, then found its way to disappointment which led to discouragement, and finally capped itself off with defeat and despair late Monday night. Luckily, the mind trip stopped before destruction came. What led me down those D roads was the noise and clamor of the “enemy” (see footnote) ~ shouting lies at every bump in the road. The clamor was ear-piercing and overpowering. Even though I’ve gotten pretty skilled at recognizing the lies and denouncing them during this battle the lies raged on. With each twist and turn in this maze of D words, the tears welled up. I went to sleep with a heavy heart and a little bit mad at myself for not being able to rise above those silly little lies. I’m here to tell you those silly little lies seemed like huge, scary monsters that wanted to devour all that I had to give. Oh the power of those D words - give them an inch and they take a mile.

Well, here’s where the battle was won. Early Tuesday morning, I intentionally sat down and invited stillness. I retreated to my safe place where truth abides. I got cozy and stayed a while. I let the truth sink into my being...and guess what sprang up? A wellspring of refreshing water that poured over me reviving me and bringing rejuvenation. The cool waters are still flowing a week later - ahhh, the revitalization.

What I learned from this battle:

D words are real and they do have power.
D words will take up residence if I let them.
I don’t like D words ~ doubt, discouragement, destruction, devour, defeat, disappointment, destroy, and despair.
If I don’t fight back, D words will threaten to take control.
Girlfriends can help dethrone D words.
Being still in your safe place can bring the battle with the D words to an end.
Real truth denounces the D words.

R words are good for the soul.
I love R words ~ retreat, refresh, rejuvenate, revive, refuel, and revitalize.
I want R words to reside within me.
R words don’t come easily but when we intentionally allow truth to reside within the confines of our mind, body and soul ~ R words will move in, too.
R words are worth fighting for.

Today’s contemplation is a bit lofty and metaphorical but I hope it resonates. I’ve got some questions for you:

Where do you find your truth?
Where is your safe place?
Do you take to be still?

R words Rule,
Cindy

Footnote = The “enemy” within this context is any thought that is against us and the good we are moving towards.

are you out of practice?

Do you even know how? It's a tiny two-letter word. When was the last time you said no and meant it? It was probably the first word you used - and used often - after you learned ma-ma and da-da. Do you know any two-year-olds? Having observed many, I have no doubt that "NO" is their favorite word. Why do some of us have such a hard time saying it now? Two-year-olds make it clear as day what they want and what they don't want by using their new found word, "NO". I'm thinking it's because they haven't been introduced to the word "SHOULD" yet - a word that gets some of us in trouble, hmm?

I had my first cognizant lesson with the word "No" when I was in college. I won't go into details to protect the "innocent" but someone I loved said, "No" to a simple request I had made of them. A huge fight ensued (in retrospect the biggest spectacle, I mean fight of my life, and yet it was over something seemingly ridiculously simple). Let's just say I was not at my "prettiest" that evening. Oh my! It ended up being a pivotal moment in my life's learning because the next day I visited our women's counseling center on campus and spoke with one of my mentors. I recounted the tale of the previous night's events. She asked me this question, "What did that NO say to you?" My answer was a bit slow in coming but very profound, "It meant he didn't love me." She put it in crystal clear perspective for me. The simple no to my simple request = I was not loved. Wow. That was so NOT true but that's what I had internalized somewhere along the way (I know where). When someone said NO to me, it meant that they didn't love me. If you ask me today, that's a bit messed up.

Yes and No help us set our boundaries. They help define what is and what is not me. Yes and No help us let others know what we want and need. They have the power to protect us. They aid us in keeping the good in and the bad out. That is if we know how to use them and we are not in the presence of boundary violators. (I will address boundary violators at a later date).

Some of us were gifted with parents and teachers along the way that set and modeled healthy boundaries for us. Some of us weren't so lucky. Some of us learned well, others didn't - due to our unique environments and circumstances. I'm writing today - not to pass out judgment or to say I've become the expert - I am not. I'm on my life-long journey of learning the power of personal boundaries. What I have learned is that boundaries are so important that I wish each of us were required to take a course on healthy boundaries in high school. Boundaries, healthy or not, really are a part of the fabric of our society. I believe strongly that emotions and boundaries are gifts given to us by our Creator to help us navigate life, an internal radar system of sorts. I whole-heartedly have a passion to help women, who want and need the help, learn to say NO to the unwanted and the unneeded in their lives (the not so best stuff) and say YES to the best (what is vitally important to our values, desires and needs).

Before diving any further into the content of this contemplation, I must write this disclaimer first. I've done some research, personally learned the hard way, and presented a number of workshops on the subject of healthy boundaries. I wanted to read through my files first, but decided it was best to write from the heart today. Emotional boundaries deal with stuff that is unseen. It's not easy to write about healthy boundaries without wanting to write another hundred different caveats to each interaction. Please be patient with the process of reading this. Please be wise. Boundaries are not black and white. Healthy boundaries look different for each and every one of us and we have different healthy boundaries for each person we know. Suffice it to say, it's a "sticky" subject. It's a subject that goes to the depths of our core and, for a few of us reading this, it might bring up some uncomfortable (if not unsafe) places within us. If this is the case for you, please call or email me and I will confidentially help you find the resources and referrals you need. My hope today is to touch the surface and provide some clarity to the question of Yes and No.

I'm going to say something really important right now. It's the gem within this contemplation. Please pay attention. "Yes and No are neither 'good or bad' words." Did you take that in? Sit with that. Take time to ponder it. They are definitive words. They are oh so helpful in letting us communicate with others what are real needs and wants are. If we misuse these words, we send out mixed messages.

Have you ever said yes to something you really didn't want to do or didn't have the energy to do? The message you sent was "I'd love to do that for you. I'm ready to do that. I have the time, resources, and energy to do that." Yet, when we say yes to something we have no real business saying yes to - I'm guessing we don't show up with our yes face on (unless we've become skilled at hiding our true feelings). We show up with our NO posture or persona and make others feel a bit confused. It's not really fair, is it? I bet you've been on the receiving side of a yes that was really a no - it's no fun. Sometimes it's actually worse than if they had "JUST SAID NO." I've got bunches o' stories about healthy boundaries and the lack there of - but I'll stop here and get to some action because what's important is to hold up the mirror and look at our own examples - I know you have stories to tell.

So, how do we become skilled at knowing when it's BEST to say Yes and when it's BEST to say No. I have some simple tips that have helped me along the way.

1) Before you say Yes to anything - I mean ANYTHING, say "Let me think about it and get back to you." Give the person who made the request the time and date you will get back to them with an answer. I know this might seem a little overboard, but I'm telling you it works. We run into problems when we say Yes to every good thing that is requested of us. Contrary to our gender bias, we can't be wonder woman to everyone. If the person making the request says they need your answer now, say I can't give you a Yes right now. I'll back you up on this. If they persist (because some will), say "No" and call a trusted friend that can help you process through that kind of "bullying". I know I'm using strong words here, but as we learn to take good care of ourselves, we must employ some mama bear tactics.

2) Once you've said I'll get back to you...these are the questions (3-9) you can ask yourself when you have some quiet "me" time (while driving, while in the shower, before you get out of bed in the morning, over a "me" coffee break or by taking a 10 minute walk - a "taking care of me walk" for when the requests pile up).

3) What have I already committed to (Where have I already said Yes)?
4) Do I honestly have the emotional energy, resources and time to say Yes?
5) What will I have to say No to, if I say Yes to this?
6) Does saying Yes or No align with my values, my heart, what's important to me, what I want and/or what I need?
7) Does saying Yes or No move me forward toward my goals?
8) What will be the implications/ramifications of saying Yes or No?
9) What's best for my big picture - saying Yes or saying No?
10) After contemplating these questions and knowing what's best for you - go back to the person who made the request and give them your heart-felt Yes or No.

What to do when saying No is hard?
1) Call a trusted friend and ask them to hold you accountable to your answer.
2) Practice saying No with a coach or trusted friend first.
3) Practice saying No in the mirror (let your true feelings come to the surface - What are you feeling? What do you need to heed? What do you need to let go of?
4) Remember you've already gone through the steps and discovered what's best for you and for the person that made the request of you.
5) If saying No is too hard and you can't do it on your own - please don't beat yourself up over it - please email me or call me and we can discuss it.

Do you want what's best? Which of these steps will be helpful to you? Let's take our cues from the two-year-olds and season it with the maturity of knowing what's really best for us.

Thank you for going here with me today. It's not always easy to make some needed changes, but girlfriend I'm here to tell you it's always worth it.

On the journey,
Cindy

One resource book that has been invaluable to me and is written with such clarity: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

a day of reckoning

The truth will set us free!

The lies that hold us back from becoming who we were made to be. The lies that keep us from doing the great things we were created to do. The lies that bind us to our past - These lies are our captivity!

As we approach Independence Day, I've been doing some contemplating on my freedom and yours. We are on our road to freedom. Did you know that our road to liberty has some boulders in the way? You guessed it - those darn lies can be huge blocks that hinder us from moving forward.

I'm compiling a list of some of the lies that line the road (if you have any others to add to the list, please email me - cindy@lessdrama.com) :

"I HAVE TO BE PERFECT." This lie is classic because if you asked us, "Are you perfect?" Our spontaneous reply would be, "No, of course not." But for those of us who are bound by this lie, we get caught up in it's snare all the time. Have you ever come away from an event and focused on the one thing that went wrong instead of celebrating all that went right?

"i'm not enough." I know I don't even have to explain this one.

"I'M TOO MUCH!!!" This used to be my favorite. It was my motto or so I was told...You talk too much! You love too much! You feel too much! You laugh too loud! Do you see the pattern? I'm so grateful that I became aware of this lie's hold on my life a while back...With intention, practice and the help of trusted, wise counsel I've moved this boulder off my road to freedom.

" " What you couldn't read that lie? Want a hint? I used invisible ink. This lie's mode of operation is: "I don't matter". You guessed it. That's right "I'm invisible." is just another one of those lies that holds us captive.

If we are going to experience freedom we have some work to do. It's time to start hauling these boulders off the road. The first step is just becoming aware of the lies. Notice when they pop up. Whenever you have a feeling of insecurity, and/or a desire to "hit yourself over the head with a rock" - recognize it. Call it out! Bring the lie out into the open. Let it know there's going to be a day of reckoning - A day when we say so long to our captors and say hello to our freedom.

I dare you to get the sparklers out this weekend and declare your freedom! Wherever you are on the journey - celebrate that you are on your Villa della Liberta (this is an actual street name in Santa Margarita, Italia)!

Thank you for inviting me into your life. It's an honor to walk alongside of you as we journey down the road of freedom. I'm grateful to you for affording me these freedoms along the way:

a freedom to be myself
a freedom to make mistakes
a freedom to love well
a freedom to have fun while "working"
a freedom to live out the call on my life
a freedom to share in the power of girlfriends

Letting Freedom Ring!
Cindy

best friends forever

I found this sign in Carmel, California earlier this year. It stopped me in my tracks. I just had to take a picture and send it to you.

Do you have a girlfriend that you can trust with all your heart? I hope so. Mine is definitely a treasure!

She gets you. She knows you inside and out. She loves you. She listens when you've had a hard day. She keeps up with you no matter how much distance there is between the both of you. She believes in you. She has cried with you. She has belly-laughed with you. She's talked you down off the ledge. She celebrates you. Some friends come and go but she has always been there.

I dare you to send her some love this week. Please email her, phone her, send her flowers, or forward this message onto her - just send the love! Let her know how much she means to you.

Thank you for being my friend,
Cindy