she kept all these things and pondered them in her heart...

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” So says Oscar Wilde.

My hope for us this holiday season is this: That we embrace the precious things that cannot be stolen from us. That we set our compass towards the “real riches” of the season and when we find these moments ~ let us relish in them.

I know that we all have our lists of things that must get done: “buy the turkey, bake the pies, clean the house, put up the lights, bring hostess gifts to a plethora of holiday soirees, trim the tree, clean the house again, buy presents, wrap presents, clean the house yet again, pick up grandma from the airport, get teacher gifts, write holiday cards ~ and the list goes on.” I want to challenge us to put together a different kind of “must get done” list this season.

It might look like this: “Give thanks for my family as we eat a yummy leftover turkey sandwich, share a fun little secret with a dear girlfriend over some hot chocolate, belt out Jingle Bells with our nieces and nephews as we drive down the interstate, stop for a moment in the hustle and bustle of shopping and watch the kids climb up on Santa’s lap, celebrate new beginnings with a glass of champagne on a midnight clear, sit down to a toasty fire and contemplate all that warms my heart...”. You get the idea. I dare us to be intentional this season and as we sit down to make our “keep us sane” to-do list, we would make the equally important (if not more important) list of “real riches” we want to partake in this season.

As you create your “real riches” list allow your senses to come alive. Remember to drink in the sights, sounds, and aromas of the season. Relish in simple family traditions. Embrace this season with the expectancy of a six year old. Let go of the need to have everything “just right”. Sit with what is really important to you. I’m guessing once we take a moment to still our minds - out of our heart the “real riches” list will flow.

Here’s some ideas from Less Drama’s magic moments holiday tips list:

Be intentional about the events you say “Yes” to this season.
Perform a random act of kindness each day this season.
Make a play-list of your favorite holiday tunes for your daily commute.
Have a “Christmas Card Writing” party with your girlfriends complete with festive holiday music and festive beverages.
Commit to staying home one night a week and be intentional about savoring the season.
Organize a spontaneous evening of car caroling with your girlfriends or family ~ if you dare, roll down the windows and share your joy with the city.
Keep a 5 minute-a-day Advent journal.
Craft your own Advent calendar complete with reminders of “real riches.”
Hang white lights around your flat or apartment.
Invite some friends over to watch Elf or The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Bake a plate of cookies for your neighbors or apartment building.
Go to bed 15 minutes earlier each weekday night (research says it makes a difference).
Write your “Real Riches” list on a index card and carry it with you as a reminder of all that can’t be stolen from you this holiday season.

I give thanks for you. I give thanks that these contemplations flow from my heart to yours. I look forward to sitting down and creating my own “real riches” list for the season ~ who knows it might become a yearly tradition.

Feeling extremely grateful,
Cindy

sing out loud!

I spend three hours driving most days ~ I know crazy, huh? That's what happens when you become a married country girl who decides to go to nursing school. Don't think I don't remember my days on the 38 Muni in San Francisco as a single, city girl with fondness because I do. A couple of weeks ago when I was searching for some more "breathing room" in my days, I decided (with the encouragement of my Visalia Less Drama Queens) to stop multi-tasking when I drive and spend the time listening to music, driving in silence and/or reflecting on my day. I must admit I haven't been totally successful with my new resolution but when I do it ~ it's bliss.

So, yesterday I'm driving down the road listening to the 70's station on Sirius and "Sing!" by Karen Carpenter came on the radio. It brought me back to circa 1973 ~ I was swinging and singing at the top of my lungs out in our backyard with the audience of me, myself and I. I was full of life and I was content. After all, I was singing out loud and at the ripe ol' age of 7, I knew it was my favorite song. I'm here to tell you I don't have the voice of angels - but I do love belting them out with the likes of Celine.

Of course, I know the words by heart but yesterday these words really hit home and I thought each and every one of us needs our own song to SING:

Sing, sing a song,
sing out loud, sing out strong.
Sing of good things not bad,
sing of happy not sad.
Sing, sing a song.

Make it simple to last your whole life long,
Don't' worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song.

Sing, sing a song,
let the world sing along.
Sing of love there could be.
Sing for you and for me,
sing of the best there could be.
Sing, sing a song.

Make it simple to last your whole life long,
Don't' worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song,
Just sing, sing a song.

Just a little side note ~ "Sing" was written by Joe Raposo, a staff songwriter for Sesame Street. No wonder it was my favorite at age 7.

So, here's what I'm thinking. It's time you and I became lyricists and wrote our own theme song. Are you willing to take a time out this week? Take the time to reflect on the stuff of life that energizes you, that pumps you up, that inspires you. I dare you to write your own song. Make sure to add the good things...the happy...the stuff that your dreams are made of. Remember as you sit down to compose ~ that Joe says to make it simple to last your whole life long.

Once it's written, I want us to sing it like nobody's listening. I want us to sing of the best. I want us to sing for you and for me and don't forget to sing of the love there could be...Just sing, sing a song! It might sound a bit corny but I'm knowing there's gonna be power in it.

Are you with me on this? Are you willing to let your creative juices flow? If you're in one of my Less Drama Queen groups ~ Guess what? You will get the opportunity live and in person to write your song. I'm gonna use my drive time this week to reflect on this. You can bet my song will include some of these good things:

be real. be true. take time to breathe. love on brad. be still sometimes. the ocean waves are salve to my soul. don't rush. always give thanks for my girlfriends. don't forget that God gives abundantly. create. wait with an expectant heart. share with others. be generous. play hard. laugh lots. live well. thrive.

I can feel my song welling up in my heart as I write. If you're daring, please share your song with us via email or facebook. If you're really daring ~ invite your gal pals over for a song writing party over a glass of wine...how fun would that be?

My heart sings,
Cindy

we all do it! why?

Repeat after me ~ worry changes nothing. Let’s say it again ~ worry changes nothing. That’s right. I’ve known this principle for what seems like forever and yet I still find myself worrying. What’s up with that? I’m not even a worrier by nature. I once signed up for a worry retreat and my roommate knowing that I wasn’t a worrier questioned why? I said, “Well, I went on the anger retreat (which was the precursor to the worry retreat) not thinking I was angry. Let me tell you it was one of the most transforming experiences of my life (You should ask me about it some time). Needless to say I went on the worry retreat. That was at least 7 years ago - why am I still worrying???

Last week, I had something small (in the full scope of life) to worry my pretty little head about. The time I spent fretting wasted too many minutes of my life - maybe, perhaps a few hours in total. I needed to get my leadership rotation shifts scheduled for school and it was all dependent upon my nurse mentor and her schedule. I kept worrying because if I didn’t get them scheduled I could potentially not graduate in December. I knew they would get scheduled, yet in the mean time, I worried. I knew in my head that most things turn out okay in the long run, but as time ticked on and the shifts weren’t scheduled yet, I worked myself into a tizzy. It weighed on me. One night while I was taking a shower which should always be the one place where I have some breathing room and relaxation - it became a full blown frenzy. I kept telling myself - worry changes nothing. It didn’t seem to help. I kept pondering yet again (another word for worry in this particular case) how I might get those shifts scheduled. It was in that moment that I figured out why I worry ~ drum roll, please. I figured out that I some how THINK that if I ponder something LONG enough and hard enough - going through ALL the possible scenarios in my head ~ twisting and turning over EVERY possible combination I will stumble upon the solution. The problem was that the solution did not rest with me. I needed to let it go. For me, the solution came in releasing it to God ~ knowing I hadn’t come this far in nursing school and done so well to have someone else’s schedule hold me back. Guess what? I have my leadership rotation shifts scheduled. Surprise - Surprise. It all came together a couple of days later no thanks to my worrying. I have better things to do with my precious, limited time these days than to wile it away with worry over the small stuff.

I talk with girlfriends every day. Some one of us is always worrying about something. Worry often comes up in our Less Drama Queen coaching groups. I think it’s somehow built into our X-chromosome. I’ve been contemplating this thing called worry for a couple of weeks now. Of course, it’s not the first time I’ve pondered the topic.

Here’s what I’ve been thinking:

It’s what we do. We all worry. Some of us are more prone to it. Some of us only do it occasionally. Some of us thrive on it. It devours others of us. Some of us have done it for so long, we don’t even know when we are doing it again. We worry about small, inconsequential things and then we worry about important things and loved ones.

The next time we find ourselves worrying ~ I want us to stop and ask ourselves these questions:

What will worrying about this gain me?
Will my worrying change anything about this situation?
How much time am I willing to devote to worrying about this?
Is this worth my worrying?
Is this something important to worry about or something small and inconsequential?

Would you be willing to commit with me to let go of fretting over the inconsequential, small stuff of life? I’m thinking this might actually decrease a lot of our time spent worrying.

For the bigger stuff we worry about, I’m wondering if there isn’t a way to turn our worrying into a gift of love/care? I asked this question the other day. One of my Less Drama gals shared this insight she had learned long ago about grief, “When you are in the presence of tremendous grief, remember that you are also in the presence of powerful love.” Things that make you go hmm.

When we are worrying about our loved ones or something we care deeply about - couldn’t we say the same is true about our worry? We, too, are worrying because we love so much - we care so much. We, too, are in the presence of love. If you are like me the act of worrying drains energy. How would it change our perception of “worry” if we thought of it as a gift of love/care instead of a burden? Would it change how much it weighs upon us? Would we treat it differently? Would it have a different impact on our hearts and souls? Would it change what we did with those thoughts/concerns? I’m not sure on this one ~ I’m just putting it out there to see what you think about it? I’d love some dialogue.

So what will we do with our worry? Will we let it go? What’s our relationship with worry? Would we like to change how it effects us? What will we do with her? Will we send her packing when she gets us in a tizzy over the small stuff? Will we embrace her as a gift of love when it comes to the big stuff? Let me know your thoughts now that you have mine.

Finding rest today,
Cindy

P.S. A wise man once said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of its own.”

Save the Ta-tas!

Just to warn you I'm blogging about mistakes again. Yesterday my sister made a doozie. A mistake with seemingly little consequence but one that I'm sure would mortify each and every one of us. It was a simple and honest mistake that instantly catapulted her to new heights on the most embarrassing moments scale. Let me assure you that she has given me permission to share this story with you.

My sister, Denise, lives on Ft. Hood Army base in Texas. She recently set up a facebook page for Ft. Hood Wives to post local events. It's been a real gift in so many ways for her while her husband is deployed in Iraq. Every day she goes "out" on the internet in search of fun things for families and wives to do in their area. It has been well-received and gets lots of traffic. She already has 200+ fans in less than 3 weeks. She absolutely loves it, she's made some new friends, helped build community and it gives her something to do with her time.

Of course, she misses her husband dearly. She is very creative and is always finding fun ways to let Lee know how much he is loved while he is deployed. Yesterday, she threw caution to the wind and decided to email her man a topless picture of herself. Let me just say that my sissy is as modest as they come. She doesn't even let her big sister see her ta-tas. Do you see where this is headed?

With technology being just a touch pad away on our cellular devices and Lee's email address and Ft. Hood Wives being in succession of each other on her phone ~ GASP with another long pause thrown in for effect ~ Yep, that's right - she "discreetly" posted a topless photo of herself onto the Ft. Hood Wives with Events page on facebook. When she told me about this "little" incident, I encouraged her with these words, "Way to promote breast cancer awareness month." Hehehe. You gotta love big sisters.

Something clicked in her brain right after she sent it. You know that oh-no moment. She went to her facebook page with 200+ fans and sure enough there were her ta-tas staring her in the face. Oh my! (I'm chuckling as I write this but then again it didn't happen to me on my Less Drama Queens fan page.) Can you say horrified? Can you say sheer panic? Of course, she immediately deleted the photo. It was up for all of forty-five seconds. In this faster than a New York Minute tech world we live in - that was long enough to spur on a three hour sparring match on her facebook page. She had made a mistake and she needed a moment to figure out what the best way to handle her "oops" moment. She sat quietly as the firestorm began started by two ladies who were relentless about her indiscretion. They were downright mean and nasty. I could not believe it. She had made an honest (if not horrifying) mistake. She immediately took care of the problem. Within the hour, she had publicly confessed and humbly apologized. She deleted the nasty, off-color comments. The harassment continued ~ I dare say even to this morning. I'm grateful for all the girlfriends who came to my sister's rescue. The majority of the ladies on the site supported her through the barrage of the few and treated it in a light hearted manner. A number of the "wives" reminded everyone there, "We all make mistakes and Hello, our husbands are deployed, who hasn't sent them a picture like this?"

As my sister shared this story with me, I was struck by the power we hold in regards to our girlfriends. We all make mistakes. We all have the power to build up or tear down. We can choose to forgive or not. We can choose to extend grace or not. It saddens me that the "mean, nasty" voices of a few speak louder to our souls than that of the steady, grace-extending majority. I encourage all of us (myself included) to remember this silly little tale when our girlfriends make mistakes. Will we be found on the side of the grace-givers or will we be the ones throwing the stones?

On a side note, it is breast cancer awareness month. Help spread the word. I thank God that my mom is a breast cancer survivor. I thank God for my dear friend and mentor, Vickie, who taught me it was okay to make mistakes. She was a breast cancer survivor for five plus years before it stole her away from us. Take care of your ta-tas and if you ever choose to send someone a picture of them ~ please be sure to verify the address before you hit send.

Laughter is good for the soul,
Cindy

abc. it's as easy as 123.

Well, maybe it’s not as easy as 123. One of my dearest mentors (a queen mama) in life, Vickie Bare, taught me the importance of having a teachable spirit. She constantly challenged my growing edge. She loved me despite the mistakes I made. Her encouragement went like this, “That’s okay, you’re learning.”

I love learning and growing (been doing it now for 44+ years - yikes). I’ve learned that you can’t have growth without making some mistakes along the way. Bummer, I know. Some of us cringe at the idea of making a mistake. Sometimes that fear keeps us from trying new experiences. Here’s a gentle reminder for us:

If we are making mistakes, it means we are moving forward.
If we are making mistakes, it means we are taking risks.
If we are making mistakes, it means we are on the right track (as long as we are learning from our mistakes.)
If we are making mistakes, we are human.

A girlfriend told me yesterday that Bill Gates won’t hire you unless you have a proven track record of making mistakes. Who knows if that’s true? I did find this quote, “There were a lot of missteps in the early days, but because we got in early we got to make more mistakes than other people,” says Gates. Since Bill Gates is a pretty smart cookie - he knows the wisdom that comes from learning from your mistakes. I’m guessing he banks on it. Banks being the operative word.

I just started my leadership rotation for nursing clinicals this week. I’m hoping I won’t make too many mistakes this rotation but if I do, I’ll learn from them. Our wise instructor (who will remain nameless until I get her permission to share it), has been a nurse for 30+ years and has graduated over 2000+ nurses encouraged us with this thought yesterday:

“If I had a dollar for every mistake I’ve made in my life, I would not be here with you today. I would be on my own private, secluded island somewhere in the tropics with George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, and Benicio Del Toro serving me little umbrella cocktails.”

I dare you to learn something new. Step out and let’s remember that the next time we make a mistake, we are in good company.

I love learning,
Cindy

¡Adios Senorita Inseguridad!

I've been writing about our so out-dated, way-behind-the-times, no-good-for-us friend, Ms. Insecurity, for over a year now. In April, I heard Beth Moore speak to 300,000 ladies on this topic (So Long Insecurity) and I felt called to action.

Needless to say, I've been doing my fair share of contemplating the subject of Ms. Insecurity. During this time, I've also been battling against her wiles and I'd love to share with you some of the insights I've "stumbled" upon:

· Ms. Insecurity is not our friend. She is our enemy.
· She is not looking out for our best interest ~ she relishes in reminding us of our inadequacies, mistakes and our oversights. She wants to hold us back.
· She is a liar. Any thread of truth she whispers has been twisted and tangled up into something ugly and SO NOT the truth.
· She is the president of the "world revolves around me" club. She is continually recruiting members. I'm serious. She is persistent. I keep telling myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and that others don't have time to clutter their pretty, little heads with my state of being or my comings and goings. BUT she keeps on ~ trying to convince me that everyone spends all their waking moments pondering my situation, my perspective, my inadequacies, and my mess-ups. Can you believe her audacity?
· She wants to be our life long friend. We met her when we were young cape wearing, tiara-toting, wand-carrying princesses who believed we could save the world. She came on the scene and dashed our hopes. She's still dashing hopes of making life matter and taking steps towards positive change for the good. She loves pulling the loyalty card, too ~ one of her favorite statements is "Who can you really trust to tell you the truth?"
· She's "friends" with everyone. She is not discriminating. Her "friendship" knows no bounds. She hangs out with the smartest and the not-so smart, the beautiful and the not-so-beautiful, the talented and the not-so, the hopeful and not-so, the boldest and the most fearful, the most successful and the failure, the extrovert and the introvert, the wealthiest and the poorest, the seemingly most confident and the most insecure (and all of us in between those descriptions). She befriends us all at some point along the journey.
· She's over the top BOLD. She shows up all the time unannounced and uninvited. Once we are onto her ways and have told her that she is no longer welcome - she shows up anyway and her words are unrelenting and even more vehement.
· She makes mountains out of molehills. She takes a tiny little thread of truth and turns it into a three-eyed, six-headed, fire breathing monster. You might have made a tiny mistake and then Ms. Insecurity gets a hold of it and whispers not-so-sweet little nothings into your ear until you can't take it anymore and then before you know it - in your mind it's become this hugemongous (that is a word - I don't care what my spel chek says) incident that you are quite embarrassed of and so you avoid the scene of the "crime" (remember it was a tiny little mistake) or the people that witnessed the "crime" for days, weeks, or maybe even a lifetime. Has she ever taken one of your molehills and turned it into Mt. Everest? She's had that effect on me before.
· She doesn't like hearing NO. I've started saying no to her wiles, her whispers and her ways. She doesn't like it. She talks louder. She gets me to listen to her when I'm tired or over-stressed. Yesterday, I was really tired and I swear she tried to take over my brainwaves. I kept saying, "nananana ~ I'm not listening to you." (Actually, I was too tired to be that sassy to her.) That would silence her for a moment. When she kept on (as she does) I enlisted the help of a trusted friend - who set me straight and reminded me of the treasure I am and how silly Ms. Insecurity's lies really are.
· She hates our success! You should hear her rants when you've succeeded. Like I said, she's persistent and doesn't like defeat. Our success proves her wrong every time. It rattles her cages and she comes back even fiercer. This is the greatest insight I've learned over the last year in my study of her behavior. If we can be vigilant and valiant in our attempts to mute her out - she does eventually get the message and moves on - leaving us to celebrate our successes ~ the small and the great ones. One day we will conquer her together!

With all this insight - I'm thinking it's time we said Bye Bye to Ms. Insecurity for good. The truth is that it doesn't happen over night ~ darn it. It's a journey. It's a choice. It takes concerted effort. We have to be committed to it. We need help ~ we can't do it alone.

Are you ready to say Bye Bye? Let's say hello freedom, confidence, joy, true friendship, success, radiance, brilliance, and hope ~ whatever it is that our insecurity holds us back from.

Will you step up your game and say "I'm not listening" to Ms. Insecurity's lies? Will you be more aware when she shows up and ask to her to leave (politely, of course)? Will you ask a trusted friend to join you in saying bye bye? What step will you take today?

Contemplating Freedom,

Cindy

trust yourself

I had my p’s all in a row. The content for the evening had gone through the process ~ I had percolated. I had planned. I had prepared. I was ready.

As Less Drama Queens of Bakersfield began Wednesday night, I sensed that the agenda for the night needed to shift. I went with my gut and let go of the plan. In my little bag o’ tricks, I pulled out some postcards that had a quote printed on them. I asked each of the participants to take turns reading the quote aloud, “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

They looked at me, “You want us to each read the same quote out loud one after another??” Yes, please! They did as they were asked. As each of them read it with heart, it began to sink into our souls. Trust yourself. Trust yourself. Trust yourself.

The evening was one of the most powerful coaching sessions I have ever been honored to facilitate. My take-away for the evening was this: When I trust myself, good things come to fruition and my confidence is given a boost.

I’m believing that the same is true for each and every one of us. We’ve got reason to trust ourselves. What are your reasons?

You really didn’t think I would let you get off the hook easily, did you? If you are due for a confidence boost, please take out a sheet of paper.

Step 1: Write this quote at the top of the paper, “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

Step 2: Read it out loud (at least 3 times). Yes, I really want you to read it out loud.

Step 3: Write down at least five reasons you can trust yourself. If you have trouble coming up with this list, think about why others might trust you.

Step 4: Call a trusted girlfriend. Tell her about this blog post. Ask her if she would be willing to share in this confidence booster with you. Email her the quote.

Step 5: Read the quote out loud at least once (one after the other).

Step 6: Ask her to share with you at least one reason she trusts you. Write down the reason/s she trusts you in another column on the page. Then be sure to tell her why you trust her.

Step 7: Discuss together, “How does one create the kind of self that you would be happy to live with all your life?” Remember there is no right formula.

Step 8: Ponder the inner sparks of possibility within yourself. What are those sparks that could turn into flames of achievement? This might be a bit difficult for some of you. Really think about those little sparks that have lived dormant within you. If you’re still stumped, ask your girlfriend for help with this question. Write down your tiny, inner sparks on the piece of paper.

Step 9: Think about which spark you would like to begin to fan in the next couple of weeks - so that it might turn into a flame of achievement. Make a commitment to take an action step toward fanning the spark. It can be a small step. Just commit to do it. Share this with your girlfriend. Ask her to please hold you accountable.

Step 10: Go back to your list of the reasons why you can trust yourself. Take one of those reasons and “marry” it to the inner spark that you plan to fan into a flame. Share this with your girlfriend. Post it on an index card and place it on your dashboard, nightstand or bathroom mirror. Finish this exercise by reading the quote once again. “Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

If you’re pressed for time, at least take a moment to ponder why you can trust yourself. Make sure to post the list. My hope for each of us is to be reminded that we indeed have reason to trust ourselves. Trust yourself!

If you dare, I’d love to hear your reasons why you can trust yourself. Please email me at cindy@lessdrama.com. Here’s five reasons why I can trust myself: My friends and family love me dearly; God is with me; I’m resilient; When I make mistakes, I’m willing to learn from them; and I know myself well.

Trusting,
Cindy

What did you learn this summer?

It's that time of year again. Labor Day is almost here and it's time to contemplate what I learned this summer. I believe there's power in taking time for reflection.

Summer School Lessons by Cindy Steele:

It is truly amazing to be at the right place at the right time and know it. Mowing the lawn can be redemptive - it gives you the time and space to work things out in your mind, body and soul. I sometimes feel like my life is a trapeze act that requires great faith. Teachers have to learn first. I like "R" words better than "D" words. Six-year-olds live life with all of their being. They are still true to themselves. Celebration is important and I've got a lot to celebrate! No matter how old you are, skipping with girlfriends is fun. A long lazy picnic + best friends + sunny day at Chrissy field in San Francisco = a great recipe for a warm heart.
Following self-imposed rules for life are oh-so-good for my over all well-being, especially when I have heaps on my plate. Cindy's simple rules to live by are this: 1) no rushing allowed 2) give myself ample morning time alone if I have been out late the night before 3) always make time for down time 4) create some home time if I've been on the go-go-go. Roller skating takes you back to a simpler place and time. Sonic happy hour iced teas are my new favorite treat. Siblings will always bicker on long car rides - no matter what their age. I love that family sticks together always! I've loved my sissy bum for 40+ years - oh my! Freedom and truth resonate with everyone. I'm a big fan of deep breaths. Happy dances are fun for all.

Thank you again, Allyson, for inspiring this practice in me. You are inspiration!

Contemplating Big Things on My Horizon,
Cindy

hello confidence

She’s six years old and she’s got game. I’m watching with bated breath from across the pool. She’s climbing higher and higher - up she goes calculating each foot placement as if she’s rock climbing Mt. Rainier. The lifeguard watches in amazement - she’s a tiny little thing - weighing all of 42 pounds soaking wet. He asks with a bit of trepidation, “Is she afraid of anything?” I’m shaking my head, “I don’t think so.” She reaches the top, smiles a proud smile and whoosh she lands in the pool. She’s out of the pool lickety split and back in line. She’s doing a happy dance with an invisible hula hoop and singing “Aunt Cindy, did you see me? I did it. I did it! Look at me - I climbed to the top. Woohoo. I’m so great. I did it!”

My heart sang for my niece, Cady. I was all smiles. I thought, “Wow! Now that is confidence in it’s purest form.” How could I capture that confidence? There must be a way to protect that in her. Cady’s happy dance was an inspiration. She’s full of life. She knows what she wants and goes forth it undaunted. She’s not afraid of looking silly or patting herself on the back in public. She did a good job and she was happy about it. She didn’t wait around to see what the rest of her world thought about her accomplishment. She just celebrated out in the open for all to see. How beautiful is that?

I think we all know when we’ve done a great job. I’d be willing to guess we all know the happy dance...unfortunately somewhere along the road we learned we shouldn’t celebrate out loud in front of everyone. What will people think? We might look conceited or full of our selves. Someone might not agree a celebration is in order. I’m guessing the happy dance we do is not on the dance floor of life - it’s done in the privacy of our heart or within the confines of our walk-in closet...or just maybe we misplaced our confidence or worse yet had it stolen through life experiences and the happy dance is no longer in our repertoire. This saddens me - all “grown up” and afraid to do the happy dance.

I dare us to be six again. Wouldn’t it be fabulous to see our “fellow” girlfriends celebrating life and accomplishments out loud with a happy dance for all the world to see? I can envision it. The happy dance becoming happenstance in the market, at the gym, and down the hallway at work. The next time we have an accomplishment, big or small, I dare us to change our “grown up” perspective and have the freedom and the confidence of a six year old to exuberantly do the happy dance and sing out loud, “Did you see me? I did it. I did it! Look at me - I climbed to the top. Woohoo. I’m so great. I did it!” Let’s get the word out - if Cady can do it unabashedly, why can’t we?

I hope you dance,
Cindy

P.S. I missed you all! It was good to be with family and make some fun memories - like the one I just shared. I’m now in the throes of the last semester of my RN program, trying real hard to keep Cady’s perspective.




let's have some fun...

Since we've discussed some weighty topics lately, I thought it was time for some fun. I'm off to visit with family for the next 3 weeks. I'm so excited to have some play time with my nieces and nephews. Woohoo!

When was the last time you went skipping with your girlfriends? It might be a bit silly but I'd be willing to bet it will get your endorphins doing backflips. Have you ever taken the time to turn "work" into fun? Please take a moment and watch the video below. It's a simple concept called the fun theory. The video highlights an elaborate project but I believe the idea is something simple we could use in our daily lives. I'm guessing the next time I have a difficult task to accomplish, I could use the fun theory. Would you be willing to sprinkle your daily tasks with some fun? If you need some help with ideas of the "how-to" of making work fun, just ask a 7-year old how they would do it. I know from my vast experience working with children and youth - they are experts on making "work" fun.

Here's some questions for you to contemplate:
Is fun a priority in your life?
How much fun have you had in the last week?
Are you due for some fun?
How can you incorporate some fun into your work day?

I'm off to have some fun ~
See you in a couple of weeks. =)
Cindy

d words vs. r words

So, I’ll try and make this brief since the last couple of contemplations have been quite wordy. GOL (giggle out loud).

This summer there’s been a “war” raging within my mind and soul. It’s taken up quite a bit of space on my mental hard drive. I don’t have the time right now to share all of the details (remember brevity is the goal today) but I will in due time.
I won some significant battles in this war last week.

I want to tell you about the battle of the “D” words vs. the “R” words. At the beginning of last week, the “D” words had taken up camp within my soul. It started with doubt, then found its way to disappointment which led to discouragement, and finally capped itself off with defeat and despair late Monday night. Luckily, the mind trip stopped before destruction came. What led me down those D roads was the noise and clamor of the “enemy” (see footnote) ~ shouting lies at every bump in the road. The clamor was ear-piercing and overpowering. Even though I’ve gotten pretty skilled at recognizing the lies and denouncing them during this battle the lies raged on. With each twist and turn in this maze of D words, the tears welled up. I went to sleep with a heavy heart and a little bit mad at myself for not being able to rise above those silly little lies. I’m here to tell you those silly little lies seemed like huge, scary monsters that wanted to devour all that I had to give. Oh the power of those D words - give them an inch and they take a mile.

Well, here’s where the battle was won. Early Tuesday morning, I intentionally sat down and invited stillness. I retreated to my safe place where truth abides. I got cozy and stayed a while. I let the truth sink into my being...and guess what sprang up? A wellspring of refreshing water that poured over me reviving me and bringing rejuvenation. The cool waters are still flowing a week later - ahhh, the revitalization.

What I learned from this battle:

D words are real and they do have power.
D words will take up residence if I let them.
I don’t like D words ~ doubt, discouragement, destruction, devour, defeat, disappointment, destroy, and despair.
If I don’t fight back, D words will threaten to take control.
Girlfriends can help dethrone D words.
Being still in your safe place can bring the battle with the D words to an end.
Real truth denounces the D words.

R words are good for the soul.
I love R words ~ retreat, refresh, rejuvenate, revive, refuel, and revitalize.
I want R words to reside within me.
R words don’t come easily but when we intentionally allow truth to reside within the confines of our mind, body and soul ~ R words will move in, too.
R words are worth fighting for.

Today’s contemplation is a bit lofty and metaphorical but I hope it resonates. I’ve got some questions for you:

Where do you find your truth?
Where is your safe place?
Do you take to be still?

R words Rule,
Cindy

Footnote = The “enemy” within this context is any thought that is against us and the good we are moving towards.

are you out of practice?

Do you even know how? It's a tiny two-letter word. When was the last time you said no and meant it? It was probably the first word you used - and used often - after you learned ma-ma and da-da. Do you know any two-year-olds? Having observed many, I have no doubt that "NO" is their favorite word. Why do some of us have such a hard time saying it now? Two-year-olds make it clear as day what they want and what they don't want by using their new found word, "NO". I'm thinking it's because they haven't been introduced to the word "SHOULD" yet - a word that gets some of us in trouble, hmm?

I had my first cognizant lesson with the word "No" when I was in college. I won't go into details to protect the "innocent" but someone I loved said, "No" to a simple request I had made of them. A huge fight ensued (in retrospect the biggest spectacle, I mean fight of my life, and yet it was over something seemingly ridiculously simple). Let's just say I was not at my "prettiest" that evening. Oh my! It ended up being a pivotal moment in my life's learning because the next day I visited our women's counseling center on campus and spoke with one of my mentors. I recounted the tale of the previous night's events. She asked me this question, "What did that NO say to you?" My answer was a bit slow in coming but very profound, "It meant he didn't love me." She put it in crystal clear perspective for me. The simple no to my simple request = I was not loved. Wow. That was so NOT true but that's what I had internalized somewhere along the way (I know where). When someone said NO to me, it meant that they didn't love me. If you ask me today, that's a bit messed up.

Yes and No help us set our boundaries. They help define what is and what is not me. Yes and No help us let others know what we want and need. They have the power to protect us. They aid us in keeping the good in and the bad out. That is if we know how to use them and we are not in the presence of boundary violators. (I will address boundary violators at a later date).

Some of us were gifted with parents and teachers along the way that set and modeled healthy boundaries for us. Some of us weren't so lucky. Some of us learned well, others didn't - due to our unique environments and circumstances. I'm writing today - not to pass out judgment or to say I've become the expert - I am not. I'm on my life-long journey of learning the power of personal boundaries. What I have learned is that boundaries are so important that I wish each of us were required to take a course on healthy boundaries in high school. Boundaries, healthy or not, really are a part of the fabric of our society. I believe strongly that emotions and boundaries are gifts given to us by our Creator to help us navigate life, an internal radar system of sorts. I whole-heartedly have a passion to help women, who want and need the help, learn to say NO to the unwanted and the unneeded in their lives (the not so best stuff) and say YES to the best (what is vitally important to our values, desires and needs).

Before diving any further into the content of this contemplation, I must write this disclaimer first. I've done some research, personally learned the hard way, and presented a number of workshops on the subject of healthy boundaries. I wanted to read through my files first, but decided it was best to write from the heart today. Emotional boundaries deal with stuff that is unseen. It's not easy to write about healthy boundaries without wanting to write another hundred different caveats to each interaction. Please be patient with the process of reading this. Please be wise. Boundaries are not black and white. Healthy boundaries look different for each and every one of us and we have different healthy boundaries for each person we know. Suffice it to say, it's a "sticky" subject. It's a subject that goes to the depths of our core and, for a few of us reading this, it might bring up some uncomfortable (if not unsafe) places within us. If this is the case for you, please call or email me and I will confidentially help you find the resources and referrals you need. My hope today is to touch the surface and provide some clarity to the question of Yes and No.

I'm going to say something really important right now. It's the gem within this contemplation. Please pay attention. "Yes and No are neither 'good or bad' words." Did you take that in? Sit with that. Take time to ponder it. They are definitive words. They are oh so helpful in letting us communicate with others what are real needs and wants are. If we misuse these words, we send out mixed messages.

Have you ever said yes to something you really didn't want to do or didn't have the energy to do? The message you sent was "I'd love to do that for you. I'm ready to do that. I have the time, resources, and energy to do that." Yet, when we say yes to something we have no real business saying yes to - I'm guessing we don't show up with our yes face on (unless we've become skilled at hiding our true feelings). We show up with our NO posture or persona and make others feel a bit confused. It's not really fair, is it? I bet you've been on the receiving side of a yes that was really a no - it's no fun. Sometimes it's actually worse than if they had "JUST SAID NO." I've got bunches o' stories about healthy boundaries and the lack there of - but I'll stop here and get to some action because what's important is to hold up the mirror and look at our own examples - I know you have stories to tell.

So, how do we become skilled at knowing when it's BEST to say Yes and when it's BEST to say No. I have some simple tips that have helped me along the way.

1) Before you say Yes to anything - I mean ANYTHING, say "Let me think about it and get back to you." Give the person who made the request the time and date you will get back to them with an answer. I know this might seem a little overboard, but I'm telling you it works. We run into problems when we say Yes to every good thing that is requested of us. Contrary to our gender bias, we can't be wonder woman to everyone. If the person making the request says they need your answer now, say I can't give you a Yes right now. I'll back you up on this. If they persist (because some will), say "No" and call a trusted friend that can help you process through that kind of "bullying". I know I'm using strong words here, but as we learn to take good care of ourselves, we must employ some mama bear tactics.

2) Once you've said I'll get back to you...these are the questions (3-9) you can ask yourself when you have some quiet "me" time (while driving, while in the shower, before you get out of bed in the morning, over a "me" coffee break or by taking a 10 minute walk - a "taking care of me walk" for when the requests pile up).

3) What have I already committed to (Where have I already said Yes)?
4) Do I honestly have the emotional energy, resources and time to say Yes?
5) What will I have to say No to, if I say Yes to this?
6) Does saying Yes or No align with my values, my heart, what's important to me, what I want and/or what I need?
7) Does saying Yes or No move me forward toward my goals?
8) What will be the implications/ramifications of saying Yes or No?
9) What's best for my big picture - saying Yes or saying No?
10) After contemplating these questions and knowing what's best for you - go back to the person who made the request and give them your heart-felt Yes or No.

What to do when saying No is hard?
1) Call a trusted friend and ask them to hold you accountable to your answer.
2) Practice saying No with a coach or trusted friend first.
3) Practice saying No in the mirror (let your true feelings come to the surface - What are you feeling? What do you need to heed? What do you need to let go of?
4) Remember you've already gone through the steps and discovered what's best for you and for the person that made the request of you.
5) If saying No is too hard and you can't do it on your own - please don't beat yourself up over it - please email me or call me and we can discuss it.

Do you want what's best? Which of these steps will be helpful to you? Let's take our cues from the two-year-olds and season it with the maturity of knowing what's really best for us.

Thank you for going here with me today. It's not always easy to make some needed changes, but girlfriend I'm here to tell you it's always worth it.

On the journey,
Cindy

One resource book that has been invaluable to me and is written with such clarity: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

a day of reckoning

The truth will set us free!

The lies that hold us back from becoming who we were made to be. The lies that keep us from doing the great things we were created to do. The lies that bind us to our past - These lies are our captivity!

As we approach Independence Day, I've been doing some contemplating on my freedom and yours. We are on our road to freedom. Did you know that our road to liberty has some boulders in the way? You guessed it - those darn lies can be huge blocks that hinder us from moving forward.

I'm compiling a list of some of the lies that line the road (if you have any others to add to the list, please email me - cindy@lessdrama.com) :

"I HAVE TO BE PERFECT." This lie is classic because if you asked us, "Are you perfect?" Our spontaneous reply would be, "No, of course not." But for those of us who are bound by this lie, we get caught up in it's snare all the time. Have you ever come away from an event and focused on the one thing that went wrong instead of celebrating all that went right?

"i'm not enough." I know I don't even have to explain this one.

"I'M TOO MUCH!!!" This used to be my favorite. It was my motto or so I was told...You talk too much! You love too much! You feel too much! You laugh too loud! Do you see the pattern? I'm so grateful that I became aware of this lie's hold on my life a while back...With intention, practice and the help of trusted, wise counsel I've moved this boulder off my road to freedom.

" " What you couldn't read that lie? Want a hint? I used invisible ink. This lie's mode of operation is: "I don't matter". You guessed it. That's right "I'm invisible." is just another one of those lies that holds us captive.

If we are going to experience freedom we have some work to do. It's time to start hauling these boulders off the road. The first step is just becoming aware of the lies. Notice when they pop up. Whenever you have a feeling of insecurity, and/or a desire to "hit yourself over the head with a rock" - recognize it. Call it out! Bring the lie out into the open. Let it know there's going to be a day of reckoning - A day when we say so long to our captors and say hello to our freedom.

I dare you to get the sparklers out this weekend and declare your freedom! Wherever you are on the journey - celebrate that you are on your Villa della Liberta (this is an actual street name in Santa Margarita, Italia)!

Thank you for inviting me into your life. It's an honor to walk alongside of you as we journey down the road of freedom. I'm grateful to you for affording me these freedoms along the way:

a freedom to be myself
a freedom to make mistakes
a freedom to love well
a freedom to have fun while "working"
a freedom to live out the call on my life
a freedom to share in the power of girlfriends

Letting Freedom Ring!
Cindy

best friends forever

I found this sign in Carmel, California earlier this year. It stopped me in my tracks. I just had to take a picture and send it to you.

Do you have a girlfriend that you can trust with all your heart? I hope so. Mine is definitely a treasure!

She gets you. She knows you inside and out. She loves you. She listens when you've had a hard day. She keeps up with you no matter how much distance there is between the both of you. She believes in you. She has cried with you. She has belly-laughed with you. She's talked you down off the ledge. She celebrates you. Some friends come and go but she has always been there.

I dare you to send her some love this week. Please email her, phone her, send her flowers, or forward this message onto her - just send the love! Let her know how much she means to you.

Thank you for being my friend,
Cindy

taking care of me and YOU

Everywhere I go, there you are staring me in the face. Literally, you’ve been the topic lately. They’re all talking about you. Why are you so elusive? No matter how old we are or how educated we’ve become, we still can’t figure you out. We’ve been given the tools and resources to find you, yet we can’t grasp a hold of you. I’ve been trained to teach others about you - I know what’s important and my resume states that I might actually be an expert on wellness (physical, emotional and spiritual). Yet, when it comes to you I’m no different than any woman I know. My girlfriend, Monica, said it this way last night, “It must be a gender thing.”

Do you know who I’m talking about? We all know her. We catch glimpses of her. We get her. We know her worth. We all want to be her close friend, yet we don’t know how. Her name is self-care. Girlfriends, we are caregivers by nature and yet the one person in our life that doesn’t get the care she needs is our self. What’s up with that?

I’ve got some questions for you:

Have you denounced the wonder woman within you?
Do you get the sleep you need?
Do you have all the downtime you crave?
Do you take real vacations? I’m not talking about the ones where you go visit family - I’m talking about the real ones where you sit on the beach and read a good book until you’ve soaked up enough sun so you go lay in the hammock and take a nap. The kind where you don’t have to worry about laundry, meals, or time commitments.

Did you answer YES to all of those questions? If you did, I’m willing to bet you are in the minority and you need to clue us into the how of it. If you’re like me and the girlfriends I know - the wonder woman within us is alive and well or at least she’s giving it her best shot.

My girlfriend, Amanda, asked me this question recently, “How can we keep the treadmill of life at a steady enough pace to keep us productive but not at the insane “10” incline and “10” pace we have it set?” Good question, Amanda. Way back when, I learned an important life principle when I was waitressing at age 20 - “If you don’t know the answer, tell them you’ll go find out and get back to them.” This principle has served me well over the years. It works. So with that said, “Amanda, I’m on it. I don’t know the answer to that question but I’ll get back to you.”

I’ve started with asking my life coach, Lisa. We came up with 4 things I need to keep my pace sane this summer:
No rushing - this means don’t over-schedule.
Make sure I have needed “down time”.
If I got home late last night, make sure I have ample “morning time”.
If I’m on the road traveling heaps, make sure to schedule “home time”.

So far, it’s working out pretty good. I’m feeling fairly sane. I haven’t been perfect on the over scheduling, but I’m working on it. We just spent the week in Phoenix for family and business, so I’m making sure we stay home this week and next. Although I’m here to tell you my bent is to get back on the road and go to the coast with Brad for his birthday on Monday. It’s a good thing, I’ve enlisted Brad to help me with my self-care - he graciously said, “NO!”

I’m working on 2 girlfriend retreats for later this summer (a coastal weekend away complete with massages) that will address how to really take care of ourselves. If this is a topic that hits home with you, please join us. Email cindy@lessdrama.com for the details. If you can’t make Less Drama’s Summer Escape 2010, you could start by reading Cheryl Richardson’s, “The Art of Extreme Self Care.” I believe Cheryl’s the real expert on this topic.

Will you join me in learning the art and practice of self-care? Cheryl says this as an enticement, “The practice of Extreme Self-Care forces us to make choices and decisions that honor and reflect the true nature of our soul. While the notion of this might seem selfish or self-centered, doing so actually allows us to make our greatest contribution to the world...We naturally begin to care for others - our families, our friends and the world - in a healthier and more effective way.”

Learning and Practicing,
Cindy

School's Out for Summer

It didn't take us long on this earth to figure out that summer = freedom. We learned the anthem early on and can sing out loud in unison "schools out for summer". Sing with me, "schools out for summer." I see a couple of you adding your air guitars. Admit it =)

I have such fond memories - YMCA day camp, hiking in the white mountains and swimming in the lakes of New Hampshire (yes, I've swam in Golden Pond and hung out with "What about Bob?" on Lake Winnipesaukee), eating buckets and buckets of fresh peaches, gardening with my granddad and my dad wishing his kids would help him with his wally-world sized garden (that makes me giggle - it was ginormous), eating zucchini pancakes, zucchini bread and various other zucchini-laden foods because we had them coming out of our ears, teaching sailing lessons, camping along the Saco river, playing Skee-ball and Centipede at Weir's Beach, shopping for back-to-school clothes at Bon-Tons, eating Friendly's ice cream (a scoop of butter crunch with chocolate jimmies in a cup) and playing Marco Polo.

If you're like me that first year out of school when work didn't break for summer, a mild depression set in. What - no summer? No freedom from getting up early? Does anyone remember the 90's movie, "Reality Bites"? I think that says it all (although I'm feeling a bit old because I can't even remember one scene from it - yikes). Hopefully, you get my point.

Well school's out for summer and my plate seems fuller than ever. But one thing I've learned over the years is to adopt a care-free spirit for summer. It really does help. I cut down on my commitments - "don't you know school's out?". We eat light meals and play outside as the heat permits. We venture to new places and I journal. I've always journaled but never every day. So every couple of summers I choose to keep a summer journal and I write in it every day - don't worry they aren't long entries...I love to capture the moments when freedom arrives. Looking back over those summer journals and remembering what I learned even though school was technically out brings me joy.

Here's an excerpt from my "summer school" lessons last year:

Family is oh-so important to me. I don't like living so far away from family. When you're 93 years old, you've got some really interesting stories to tell and you can tell them any way you LIKE. I love my granddad. I love telling stories. Moms know interesting little details about their daughters (thanks Denise). 5 year olds are brave and undaunted and love making new friends (Cady, thank you for inspiring Aunt Cindy). "Ugly sisters" REALLY do stick together. Just BEING with girlfriends is life-giving. Best laid plans don't always work - but gratefulness always does. When you step on the brake and the hand control steps on the gas - the result is terrifying. Too many diets (money, food, friends) at one time can be draining (thanks Susan). Worrying about receiving God's provision takes away from the blessing of receiving it. Moms REALLY do love their daughters and they spend their whole being trying to prove that. Going to the lake is refreshing on all counts. 75 degrees is perfect. Concentrating on the good stuff and letting go of the bad stuff helps tremendously. Working hard produces results, sometimes you have to be patient and wait for them, though. When standing on new ground, remember your foundations. Resting in the truth is REALLY resting (the converse is true). The unexpected sometimes brings fun, unexpected surprises. Brad's family has become my family. Laughing with Brad really connects us. Cindy loves being at home.


I dare you to join me this summer. Will you adopt your own care-free spirit? Will you let go of your worries, throw on the flip-flops and set aside all that hinders you? Please leave your burdens at the back door of that metaphorical summer beach cottage. There's a basket there - they'll be well taken care of. Step out into the sand. Wiggle your toes. Be transformed. Find some kids and play Marco Polo (don't play with my niece, Victoria - she opens her eyes under water). Make a new play-list filled with songs about summer and take a road-trip with a pal. Turn the TV off, set the fans and the bug lights out on the porch and read a good chic-lit book or flip through the pages of your favorite magazines by lantern light. Invite friends over for homemade popsicles or splurge and go out for ice cream. Take a blanket out on the lawn and stargaze. You're never too old for a good game of hide and seek or sardines. CHOOSE to live free and don't forget to capture those moments - in pics, a journal or your fb status updates.

Choosing to be free,
Cindy

Powerful Questions to Ponder:
Describe freedom.
What's one step you could take towards freedom in the next week?
Define play.
Wanna come out and play?
Can you/Will you choose a care-free spirit this season?

Need Some Inspiration?

We all need a little dose of inspiration every once in a while. Here's to filling your plate with a heaping spoonful of it!

I know some of you have already seen Nick in action but if you're like me he always warms your heart.

Please click on the youtube link and be inspired:



Happy Sunday,

Cindy

Introducing the "Hey Everyone" Button!

This one is a bit long. You might want to pour yourself a cup of tea, a tall glass of lemonade or a glass of wine, first. Then, sit back in your big comfy chair and contemplate.

I have quite the gem to share with you today. I sure do hope it translates. It's called the "Hey Everyone" button. I think we'll be able to sell millions once the concept takes hold. If there's anyone out there that has some extra time (lol) and is super creative and/or tech savvy and can help me create a viral youtube for this button - let's chat.

Okay, you're intrigued. I hope I didn't build this one up too much already. I have a habit of getting really excited about things but then again you already knew that. I really hope I can capture the moment and convey this message well. Maybe I already need to use my "Hey Everyone" button?

Here's the back-story:

Yesterday I was traveling to my Less Drama Queens of Bakersfield coaching group. It's a good drive and I was chatting on the phone with a dear friend, one of those friendships where we totally get each other and are able to be completely honest. For those of you inclined, please don't even try and guess which friend it was because I promised her I would change the names and dates and any identifying information, so as to protect her innocence. We were chatting about said "boy at work" and she was sharing her thoughts and process. Right smack dab in the middle, I called her on some of her thinking. It was here that the genius of the "personal announcement" was born.

Please note at this point in my contemplation - that this forthcoming story is not really about the boy or whether or not to date him - the story is an illustration on how to use the "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button.

My friend has just started a new job and has this "boy at work" who she thinks is fun and engages her in witty banter. She loves that - she was made for it. There IS a connection.

A couple of weeks ago, she went to happy hour with the girls from work. She casually brought up his name to see what "the word on the street is." They couldn't get it out fast enough - they had some interesting details to share - suffice it all to say, they think he's weird. All of this was particularly horrifying to my friend. I encouraged her, "That's data to be filed away but you are the one that gets to decide what you think about him." After all, these ladies aren't life long buddies, she just met them.

Here's an excerpt from her journal she has so graciously permitted me to share with you:

So there I was, with this conundrum sitting like gooey marshmallow melted balls right in my hands. I am emailing with this guy who is asking me to join him for activities and coffee and the like, and I can tell no one about it for fear of what they'll think of me. And worse, that the rumors are true and my red flag goer-offers have been maimed and taped to my head when they should be standing straight up, detecting danger and weirdness in potential love-mates.

I went to coffee with him anyway. Twice in one week as a matter of fact - one time, for an hour. We took a long walk and talked about his robot costume out in the sunshine right in the middle of the work day and we saw a black cat that looked like a tiny panther :)

We got back and his team (we're all in departments that are segregated by cubicle bull-pens within walls closed in by doors - which enhance the lack of sharing information about who might be weird and who might be not) were sitting outside and all heads were pointed at us as we walked back from my car to the building.

And then later, I swear I saw my coworker give him the stink eye and for the rest of the afternoon attributed her less-than-enthusiastic look with the fact that she couldn't believe I was associating with him. I wondered, about her stink eye, "What does THAT mean?"

So I have been locked in a paranoia jail cell in which I think everyone is aware of my emailing and hanging out with this boy and they ALL know something I don't know and they ALL disapprove but are just waiting for me to find out on my own because there is a code of silence here where we work.

I also suffer from a mild case of "I think the world revolves around me" in which I believe everyone is thinking about me all the time and all of their facial expressions and moods are directly related to me. Also, I have a horrendous and crippling fear that I never - no matter what it is - have the right outfit for the given occasion. And also that my hair will look bad. And all of these things together are why I am single...terminally.

So my friend Cindy thought maybe I should make an announcement. There is an intercom system throughout our building to let you know when your clients have arrived. Maybe they'd let me use it just for a minute to clear the air and make sure we're all on the same page. But then we got to thinking it would even be better if I had my OWN intercom at my desk, so that I could use it any time I needed to make an announcement for the greater good.

No wait, I could make an announcement to everyone, so they don't have to be in a bad mood just because they think maybe I'm making bad decisions about a boy I'm just trying to get to know but haven't made any commitments to, yet.

It might go something like this, "Hey Everyone: so I know you've been kinda worried about me. You didn't have to say anything; I saw it in your eyes. I'm just trying to get to know him, you know, for myself. Because I kind of have a history of letting other people make decisions for me and so this is important for me to make my own decision. So please don't worry because I'm just trying to figure it out. I am working on it. I really appreciate your concern and just wanted to let you know I can see what you're thinking and will be very careful to make good decisions and come out with a greater sense of self-efficacy. So back to work. No need to spend your whole day thinking about me and being worried that I might end up in a ditch somewhere, you know, metaphorically speaking. I know you're all wondering how someone as great as me could still be single and I really am so grateful for your concern. So that's all for now. I might announce something again later, you know, like if I suspect you might be worried that my pants are getting too tight and think I might be emotionally eating again..."

And then, saying this ridiculousness out loud, it really sunk in - NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT ME. THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN BRIMMING LIVES. I will have to say this to myself again and again and probably will have to just threaten to make a Personal Announcement when I believe the off-look in everyone's eye is directly related to me to remind myself that in fact, no, they've got their own lives to be having looks and thoughts over, and my day and existence is not at the center of everyone else's consciousness as I - in my poignant and terrified insecurity - believe it to be.
I am free to live my life and explore and take risks and get to know boys and do whatever the heck else that's on my heart to do.

So THANK YOU, CINDY! For encouraging the Personal Announcement button. I can already tell that intercom at my desk is going to get a lot of use."

That's the illustration of how a "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button might be used. Do you get it? Do you have a couple of personal announcements that you could air in an attempt to keep perspective and keep your insecurities at bay? I know I do. For you concrete thinkers, please remember that this button really is metaphorical at this point - something that you get to push metaphorically speaking - and it "shares the message you're thinking" allowing you to move past the insecurity and letting you live your life in the moment.

I could have used a button this weekend. I even hesitate to share with all ya'lls but ya'll tell me you love when I share from the heart (i.e. get vulnerable). So, here it goes, my button illustration:

This weekend I went to this fun, intimate workout session with some girls I know well and some girls I just met (it was a bachelorette crazy fun thing ~ believe-you-me a story for another day). Some of the girls were 15 years younger than me and none had yet reached their decade of freedom (40's). We were supposed to wear yoga attire. I forgot mine, so I wore my pajama bottoms from the earlier pajama party shower - did I say it was a crazy fun day? I worked really hard at not letting my insecurities consume me. I did a pretty good job at letting them go and enjoying the moment for what it was - a fun, bachelorette moment celebrating my friend. If only my "Hey, I need to make a personal announcement" button had been created it might have made it easier to let go.

This would have been my personal announcement:

"Hey girls, I have a personal announcement to make. I'm so glad to be here with you celebrating our friend. I know you're wondering why I showed up in these bright colored pajamas - I know they are NOT yoga pants. I also am well aware that I'm carrying these extra few pounds but I'm working on it. I'm trying to get rid of them. I AM 44. When I was your age, I was at my healthy weight, too. I don't look as cute as you all do in your yoga pants - but I'm here to celebrate. I'm here to have fun. I know you'll like me (some of you already love me) and by the time I turn 45, I'll be much closer to that healthy weight for me. I know I'm becoming an RN and you're thinking RNs really should be healthy - I really am committed to being healthy - eating right and exercising - you should see my workout with the 50+ crowd at my gym in my po-dunk town that is not SF (it's a swim class that incorporates yoga, pilates and cardiac - it kicks my butt). I'm doing my best and I hope you can forgive my clumsiness (I used to be a cheerleader way back when). I hope now that I've cleared the air and you don't have to worry any longer about me being an unhealthy nurse who wears silly pajamas to a dance workout (I can follow directions, too) we can get on to the matter at hand. Thank you."

Okay, there you have it - illustration # 2. Now, for those of you reading this that were at that event, please do not email me and say "Cindy, we love you...we weren't thinking blah, blah, blah." I know. I know. Ms. Insecurity can raise some doozies. I didn't share this moment to be encouraged by my friends. I wasn't even that consumed by my insecurities - but that unwanted friend did show up and since I'm doing the research and writing on the topic and asking each of us to say goodbye to her - I was ultra-aware of her presence (like I'm not usually - hehehe). I told this story to illustrate once again how ridiculous this thinking is that goes on in our heads. At the workout, I really was wise enough to know that every cute girl in her yoga pants was dealing with her own friend, Ms. Insecurity and was too caught up to be thinking about me and my "friend" that I had told to leave.

As a fun accountability, my friend with whom I co-created the button, have decided to text each other every time we need to push the "Hey Everyone, I have personal announcement to make" button. We are hoping this will help us say goodbye to our friend, Ms. Insecurity for good. Please email or text me when you push your "Hey Everyone, I have a personal announcement to make" button.

Using my button and keeping perspective,
Cindy

Insecurity. Let me introduce you. She's the one that...

Oh that's right - no need for descriptions here. I'm guessing you are already well acquainted with her. Some of us know her better than others, but shall I be bold enough to say, "She's probably one of our oldest friends." She's not my constant companion any more but I must admit she shows up more often than I'd like. How close is she to you? What does she mean to you? Is she invited into your inner circle or is she only invited to the big events in your life? Let's be honest with each other, "What kind of friend has she been to you all these years?"

I don't need to tell you she's been a bad friend. Some might even tag her "abusive". I went to a women's conference two weeks ago. The "hot" topic was insecurity. Guess how many women attended the "live via satellite" event? 300,000. That's right - that many girlfriends were at least secure enough to gather and discuss their insecurities. Yay for us! It's about time we brought Insecurity's ugly self out into the open. Beth Moore was the conference speaker and is the author of the new book, "So Long Insecurity: You've been a Bad Friend to Us." I'm reading it right now (research, of course :-)). She started off the discussion with this question, "When was the last time you met up with Insecurity?" It was a "she had me at hello" moment. I literally just encountered her. I had just surveyed the auditorium looking over all the women within my view. My friend, Insecurity, needed to see if I was dressed JUST RIGHT. Then, I thought back to the evening before the conference and I had had a moment with Brad where I was questioning my security. Wow. Yikes and I consider myself to be a fairly secure, self-confident woman. If I had had two run-ins with Insecurity (that I was aware of) in less than 12 hours, this insecurity thing must be rampant, especially amongst women.

The next point Beth brought that resonated and the reason why I'm writing today was this, "NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM INSECURITY." I will say it again, "NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM INSECURITY." Think on this. Ponder it. What do you think about that?

How often do you meet up with her? Is it time to say goodbye? Is it time to let this friendship go? If you're like me, you are ready. Some of us have already started on the journey to letting go of our insecurities. Letting go of Insecurity won't happen over night. It's a cultural thing. We must tackle it together. Let's meet. Let's discuss. Let's be honest with each other. We will need to be vulnerable. It will take work to truly say goodbye. But let's do it. Let's speak the truth. Let's live in the truth.

Contemplating change,

Cindy

P.S. I wrote a post last August about just this thing. If you missed it and are interested, I've included this link to the archived piece, "Got Those Less Than Feelings?" Be assured that this won't be the last time you hear me spout off about this topic.

Where do you need to stop and take a moment?

How does an Irish poet from the early 1800's know anything about the lives of women in the 21st century? Did he time travel?

"It's important to be heroic, ambitious, productive, efficient, creative, and progressive, but these qualities don't necessarily nurture the soul. The soul has different concerns of equal value: downtime for reflection, conversation, and reverie; beauty that is captivating and pleasuring; relateness to the environs and to people; and any animal's rhythm of rest and activity."

~ Thomas Moore (1772-1852)

How did he know about our hustle and bustle - our sometimes unconscious attempts at following in Linda Carter's footsteps? Can you say Wonder Woman? How did he know we needed downtime?

What would happen if we took the time to pause and reflect? Would we stand out? Would the world stop and take notice? Would our souls benefit?

Here's a fun little video:
(please click on the link or cut and paste it into your browser)
http://tiny.cc/bestill

Where in your life do you need to take the time to be still? Where do you need to say no to the hustle and bustle of your own "grand central station"?

I dare you to really ponder this question with me.

Needing some time to be still,
Cindy

Remembering Sharon...

It's been a year since one of my dearest friends went home to heaven...Sharon Garland died on April 25, 2009. She was a fierce advocate, a lover of life, an "in your face kinda girl" and the consummate momma bear. So many memories flood my heart today like warm tears shed out of sheer joy. I loved that girl with all my heart. She made me laugh. She let me be me. She taught me the power of sharing our stories. She gave confidence a new face. Bravery was her middle name. A diamond in the rough! She was my friend, confidant, caretaker, and esteemed colleague. She helped me understand the stronghold of addiction. One of these days, I'll give you a proper introduction to the lady whose charisma could have catapulted her into the office of presidency of the United States (if only she hadn't inhaled). For now, I'd love you to hear her story. Please read it with your soul.

In 2003, Sharon wrote this upon my request to help our volunteers at Oak Street House understand the heart of addiction.

ADDICTED TO FEELING NOTHING
I am a child who has been beaten, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually.
I have learned how to please everyone and trust no one, not even myself.
I have little or no self-esteem.
I will lie, manipulate, and steal, to get what I need and what I really need is understanding.
The understanding that I am vulnerable and sensitive, too sensitive so I medicate, I isolate,
I keep everything inside until I am about to burst.
You may never see me cry, then I would be exposed, I would be pathetic,
Though I can cry on command.
How will you know when the tears are real, or just another guise to make you mine?
You wonder what type of person would set out to purposely destroy their lives, not I.
Yet, you see, I have shut down a long time ago and this is the only way I know how to feel,
How to feel nothing inside.
I am a child, who has never had the chance to grow up with love,
Kindness, affection, or understanding.
I am pimp; I am whore who wields the sword of power over my victims.
I am a casualty of my surroundings, and a predator in the making.
If you show me weakness the only thing I know, is how to take advantage,
Because my survival for the longest time has depended on the moment when I feel the need not to suffer anymore.
I live to not feel, and sometimes no matter how much dope I have I still can never escape,
Because everyday I wake I face an existence of pure pain.
When I come in from the madness, I am exposed, raw, and scared,
And now I am supposed to feel.
What happens when I feel and I don’t know how to handle my thoughts
Because I never have had them before,
I am going to get angry, I am going to push you away,
I am going to isolate and hope I can find a way to deaden the ache.
I am going back to what I know, even if that way will eventually cause me so much more pain,
Because you see it is what I know.
When you punish me, I laugh in your face, you could never do anything so terrible to me that
I have not done to myself already, more devastating then you could ever imagine.
So I wonder what are you trying to teach me, some lesson in life’s consequences,
You better find another way.
I need to know there is a place for me, to grow, to live, to not be humiliated
Because you really don’t have a clue, do you - the hell I have been living.
Now you want me to transform, overnight, when it took me many long years
To get where I am now.
Look at my survival skills, look at the strength and determination
I possess to be sitting here right this minute;
Believe that I am worthy inside, even when I don’t.
You try to help though I fight you all the way, it is not my intent to disrespect you,
But until I am ready to admit I have a problem, I may seem like a waste of your time.
But whatever you do, do not think that I am hopeless,
For the seed has been planted and some of us just take longer to bloom than others.
Everyone else has given up on me, so why not you, show me that my existence is worthwhile,
Even though I cannot love myself right now, please love me anyways.
Even when I am angry, let me know that you are there for me,
Let me fall but be there to guide me back.
I am a child who has been stripped of everything and I do not know
Or have never been shown that there is a different way.
Give me options, give me praise, but do not try to humble me, only I can do that.
Let me know trust, let me know that I am a valuable human being.
Do not let me run circles around you.
Let me make mistakes, be there to walk me through the process,
Do not let go until letting go might be the only way to show me love.
For you see I will tell you anything you want to hear
But what you need to do is to watch what I do.
When I start shutting down and my behaviors start to change you need to pull me up,
You need to call my bluff, and the danger in that is that my bluff could kill me.

Written by Sharon Garland, January 2003

my favorite hoodie

It’s tattered.  It has that lived-in-feeling. It’s what my mom calls threadbare and given the opportunity she would throw it out in a New York minute.  It’s literally (and figuratively) my comfort zone.  It’s like an old dear friend that knows me inside and out.  It has known the triumphs and oh-has-it seen the glory of my messiness.  My favorite hoodie has been “snot on” by little ones, cried on by mamas, hugged on, cursed at by wounded souls, sweat in and loved.  If this hoodie could talk - it would write these contemplations with ease.  It’s wise beyond its years in regards to emotional boundaries - both healthy and unhealthy.

I know it’s wisdom because I wore this hoodie every Monday night when I was the director at Oak Street House.  I got down and dirty on Mondays.  It was the night of the week when we were all about living life together - the good, the bad and the ugly.  I got down on the floor and played with the kids - oh the memories of laughing, singing, crying for mama, and taking rides on the “silly train”.  Monday night was “mandatory”!  We all ate dinner together as a family.  We took turns cooking.  We invited friends.  And THEN there was house meeting - oh my!  House meeting was where we “duked it out” - I mean figured out this thing we call community and how to live together in something that was supposed to resemble harmony.  Envision yourself living together in a beautiful Victorian with nine of your dearest girlfriends and all of your children are under the age of five - can you say difficult, if not impossible?  House meeting was our weekly intensive, crash course in boundaries - the DO’s and DON’Ts of healthy boundaries.

Oak Street House is where I learned all about the power of emotional boundaries. It’s where I grew healthier.  I used to chuckle with my clinical supervisor when I was in the throes of self-discovery.  I’d say everyone should have to work with the homeless and those in recovery - it’s like holding up a mirror to see all of the icky stuff that lives within the walls of your own true self.  Needless to say, with perseverance, patience and love we all grew healthier, that is, all of us who were willing to put forth the effort.

I’m wearing my blue hoodie right now.   It’s going to help me write my messiest contemplations to date.  You see, I’ve been a bit stuck.  The five foundations of this forthcoming book are growth, communication, the power of girlfriends, making life matter and boundaries.  Boundaries *sigh*.  Really, I tried not to save the hardest for last ~ these last contemplations have become the vegetables on the plate of a 3-year-old. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve sat down to “contemplate” the matter of boundaries since starting to write this book a year and a half ago. Once stuck, I put off the writing until later. The “later” train has now pulled into the station.  You’d think it would be easy for me.  I’ve learned so much and I’ve facilitated a number of workshops and retreats on the subject.  Yet, it’s not easy to put the un-pretty stuff of life down on paper - especially when it’s not a black and white subject matter.  

I’ve had a number of brainstorming sessions with Brad and Lisa, my coach, to help me get unstuck in this part of the writing.  Brad and I came up with the list of boundary titles to contemplate.  Last week, Lisa suggested starting off with a confession of why it’s so difficult to write about this subject.  This week’s brainstorm was my blue hoodie.  I’m finally writing.  Yay!  

Interestingly enough, I wonder if there’s a parallel process going on here?  I wonder if that’s what we all do when it comes time to put forth the effort to grow in an especially difficult place within ourselves?  Did someone say healthy boundaries?  Do we get stuck?  Do we keep putting off the process until later?  Until later arrives and it’s NOW necessary.  Hmmm...I wonder?

Words and phrases that come to mind when I think about boundaries ~ necessary, complicated, nuances, freedom, seemingly moving targets, protection, energy-draining, hard work, self awareness, discovery, growth, and my favorite - MESSY.

Just look at what dictionary.com has to say about the word MESSY:
Part of Speech:  adjective
Definition: cluttered, dirty
Synonyms: blotchy, careless, chaotic, confused, dishelved, disordered, disorganized, grimy, grubby, littered, muddled, rumpled, raunchy, slapdash, slipshod, sloppy, slovenly, unfastidious, unkempt, untidy
Antonyms: clean, ordered, organized, uncluttered

I confess I’m not the expert on boundaries but I’ve learned a whole bunch in my study and practice of healthy boundaries.  I’ve seen firsthand the power of boundaries defined.  I've learned that healthy boundaries are a journey not a destination.  I know they can help us live a life filled with Less Drama.  Boundaries protect us.  They help us know where we begin and where we end.  They help us keep the good in and let the bad out.  They help us know what is our responsibility and what isn’t. They help us live in community together.  Boundaries help us keep in relationship with the safe people and say goodbye to the toxic people in our lives.  Boundaries help us know when to say yes and when to say no.  So, over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing some of my contemplations and insights.  Note to self, you have now just “told the world” - there’s the accountability you’ve been needing.

If these contemplations in the coming weeks spark in you an interest to grow in the area of healthy boundaries, I encourage you to read the various boundaries books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, you can find them on amazon.com.  They are my boundary gurus.  I think their books should be in the “dummies” section of the bookstore instead of the self-help section, i.e. “Boundaries for Dummies”.  They make the content easy to digest and they get to the heart of the matter.  They know boundaries.

So, there you have it ~ a picture of my favorite hoodie with it’s back story, a confession on why it’s so difficult to write about boundaries and a commitment to write some on this very messy subject.  I hope you are ready to embark on this last leg of the journey with me.  My friend, Cindy Mitchell, said earlier today - hurry up with the veggies, so we can get on with dessert.

Still Writing,
Cindy